Enchanted by freckles - short stories

Story 39, Part 1/4 - Growth

Sebastian's point of view (April 1913):

I began to have sleeping issues again, and sat down outside one night with a cigarette. I really rarely smoked these days, but at the moment my whole life was associated with a certain dreariness that I could hardly explain to myself.

My wonderful wife was carrying a little girl, but even that thought somehow depressed me. Not because it was a girl. Absolutely not. I had always wanted daughters. Not even because the three of us were nearly 40, there was just an uncomfortable feeling floating inside me at the moment.

Eddie and Venia had moved back home, and so the two pregnant women were able to spend a lot of time together. Eddie and Garreth also did a lot together, while I always felt a little out of place.

I didn't know why I felt so left out, even though I probably unconsciously always excluded myself. Neither Eddie nor anyone else treated me as if I wasn't a real member of the family, but still I felt that way sometimes.

Suddenly someone took my cigarette from my hand, threw it on the floor and stomped it off.

"Dad, stop smoking.", Eddie said and sat down with me, "What's wrong?", he asked me. "Nothing, everything's fine, little man.", I said smiling and ruffling his red curls. "Don't lie to me dad. I can see you're not shining as brightly as usual.", he said, looking at me half angry, and half amused.

"Wonderful, another one I don't can keep secrets from," I said and couldn't help snorting, "Tell me, Eddie. What am I to you?" "You're my dad? What else are you supposed to be?" "But you know I'm not your real dad." "So? Seb and Fiona are 'just' my half-siblings, and yet I love them as much as I love Sammy. And I love you just as much as Mum and Papa."

"But you and Garreth are so much more alike than you and me, aren't you?" "Well, it doesn't matter. Sammy and I are also more alike than Seb and I and anyway, Seb and I are an unbeatable team. And otherwise, we're ALL a perfect, big family. I don't love one more and one less... but Dad, you've been thinking about running away again, haven't you?" "What makes you think that?"

"We've lived together for the last 13 years, I can tell. I know you've thought about it a lot, but please. Don't do it." "Sometimes I just think that I don't belong here and that I don't deserve this happiness. Because even though I'm not in Azkaban anymore. I've hurt people. I've tortured people I care about. I have killed people. I've killed masses of goblins just because I thought one of them cursed my sister.... I just don't think I belong in a happy family because I don't deserve a happy life."

"That's not true. You've been in this hole long enough." "No, Ed. I wasn't even punished for everything because the Ministry didn't know everything. Alone that how many times I used unforgivable curses without anyone being able to prove it to me. I wasn't supposed to work in a bakery, let alone raise children. I should rot in Azkaban for the rest of my life."

"Even though you did all that, you were still always a great dad. I know you would never hurt us. And I know you did it all because of Auntie Anne. And sure, you had no one else. Of course you did everything you could to save her. And if Seb and I were all alone, I'd do anything to save him, too. And I know you only casted Crucio on Mum because otherwise you would have died like Uncle Ominis' aunt. And in case you're wondering how I know all this, you talk in your sleep from time to time," Eddie said, leaning his head against me. "You have just as stupid and naive a heart as your parents," I muttered as I began to cry bitterly.

"No, Dad. A good heart. Because we know you have a good heart too.", he said and tapped my chest with his index finger. Suddenly I felt better. You little ass, don't use your magic on me, it's unfair, I thought to myself and had to smile a little.