Bad Dreams | Newt x Reader (Being Edited)

Chapter 72-Hysteria

This chapter is intense.

Warnings: Grief, throwing up, panic attack, suicide attempt (marked)

Y/n POV

18 days after his death

It was easier with Élliot there. With him by my side, even Vince didn’t dare to glare at me. People left me alone. He just couldn’t stop what was happening in my mind.

I woke up feeling worse than ever. A gunshot went off in the distance, throwing me fully into the waking world. Nik’s death tore through my mind, forcing me to get up and stumble off to the side before I threw up everything Élliot had forced down my throat last night.

Someone gathered my hair.

When I was done, I saw it was Thomas.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, cheeks hot with embarrassment.

He nodded, walking off and leaving me to kick dirt in it. I grabbed my water bottle, looking for Élliot but quickly realised he’d gone off with the Crank hunting party.

Ember flicked on a torch. The light shone blue, sweeping along the wall until it flashed in my eyes.

Nik had been four when he first used his ability. I remembered the day clearly as one of my earliest memories. He’d been building a tower of blocks when they’d suddenly fallen. He’d reached out, wailing at the loss when suddenly blue light shot from his hands. Of course he’d been four with no idea of how to control it and had obliterated the blocks.

“Stop,” I pleaded, hovering my hand over my eyes.

She didn’t, continuing to flick it at me.  

I was running before I knew it, darting past the guards at the edge of the camp and turning down a gap between the ruined buildings. The world tilted as I struggled to stay upright. My heart fluttered unevenly.

My vision swirled, bleeding bright stars into my sight. My knees gave way and I slid down against the wall. My knees went up, tucking under my chin as I squeezed my eyes shut. Tears flooded my eyes as I broke down.

Nik was gone.

He was dead.

It was my fault.

Nik was dead.

I might as well have killed him myself.

My throat squeezed tighter, leaving me without air as my lungs burned.

A gurgling Crank limped towards me, rotten flesh dangled from his outstretched bony hands. A gunshot, he dropped like a stone some feet away.

A boy crouched in front of me. I tried to force air into my lungs, to calm myself down and be able to control the illusion I was trying to cast. Red smoke drifted off my skin, filling the air around me. He didn’t need to see this, he would only think I was trying to attract attention and pity.

Hands, gentle and callused, brushed hesitantly against my cheeks. They found my tears. He drew me against his achingly familiar body, almost moulded to my own. 

Newt. 

His arms encircled me, holding me close. My face pressed into his jacket, desperately seeking the relief and peace I had once felt in his arms.

“I’m here,” he repeated, murmuring in my ear. “I need you to count to ten with me, okay?”

I tried to start but couldn’t stop the staggering breaths to get air past my impossibly tight throat. Fierce self-hatred engulfed me.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, hand slipping into my hair as he held my head against his chest. 

“O-one,” I choked out.

“That’s it.”

“Two.” I pressed my face into his jacket even more. “Th-th-three.”

“You’re doing so well,” he murmured, stroking my hair.

I counted the rest of the way, my breathing slowing only marginally. My throat ached like that boy’s hands were clamped around my throat. Or Lillian’s.

“Count again,” Newt encouraged. 

I did it again and again and again until the tension left my body and I could breathe.

“There you go,” Newt whispered. “Breathe with me.”

I did, inhaling and exhaling until the tears stopped and the world stopped spinning. 

Newt held me for a long time, cradling me in his arms like he used to do. I closed my eyes and for a second, I could almost be back in the Glade, imprisoned but far more free than I was outside its walls. I could almost push past the weary numbness.

“Newt?” Vince called, appearing at the end. “Is everything alright?”

“We’re fine,” Newt answered, arms loosening slightly.

“Come back to camp, Tommy wants to discuss an idea he had.”

“Go ahead without me.”

I cleared my throat, managing to slip out of his arms. “It’s okay, you go ahead.”

Newt hesitated, eyes scanning my face. “I don’t think…”

I stood up, offering him a hand that I hoped he didn’t notice was shaky. “Thank you, Newt, but I’m okay now. I want you to go.”

Newt flinched but took my hand and got up. He looked back twice as he followed Vince away.

I spent five minutes having a mental crisis over whether I still loved him or not. Some part of me wished he would hate me like everyone else but the rest loved him for being there for me despite our extremely rough patches. Damn Newt.

When I finally decided that I needed to move on and get over him, I headed back towards the people. Felix was standing out the front of the camp, looking up at one of the buildings.

“What’s going on?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound too croaky.

“I think there’s someone on the first floor,” he said, squinting up at the filthy windows. “Could you go have a look?”

I sighed but nodded. Rather than go in normally, I shattered the window and boosted myself up with an air gust. The floor was dark, forcing me to snap my fingers for a glowing ball of electricity. I crept forward, hand in front of me.

I didn’t notice the Crank until it launched itself at me, driving a kitchen knife through my ribs and into my heart. Pain blinded my vision and the Crank collided with me, the momentum toppling us through where the window had been. For a brief second, the weightlessness stole everything away—the crushing guilt, the paralysing fear, the impossibly heavy sadness. For a brief second, I was my entirety.

My bones snapped as I tried to break my fall and as the Wraith fought for control I wouldn’t give.

“Alex!” Felix was screaming. 

The Crank had landed next to me, neck snapped at an awkward angle.

I sat up, fueled by adrenaline. The knife was still buried in my chest, blood already beginning to pour out as my heart faltered. My front was soon drenched with it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Before the Wraith could act, I ripped it from my body, letting the blood gush freely. I slumped sideways, gasping as my vision went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The knife is removed, blood everywhere.)

Forgive me, my mind whispered, filled with thoughts of my friends, of Élliot. Fry and Thomas.

Of Newt.

Alex.

Nik.

Lillian.