Zoe's only wish is to be able to run barefoot through grass, but she knows it'll never happen. Ever since she was born, she's been unable to touch anything living without it instantly dying. It's a curse she would do anything to get rid of, but that...
I laid on grass. Compared to the grass in the garden in my dream, it was dead where my head rested. On the grass next to me, sat Felix. His eyes held so many emotions, all of which I wanted to disappear and never to have to see on his face again. Sadness, worry, fear, guilt.
I tried to move. First to sit up and then just to reach out my hand to touch him. But all the strength in my body was gone and my muscles didn't want to obey me.
"Just rest," he whispered to me and stroked my cheek with a hand wearing a leather glove.
I opened my mouth, and I wanted to say a million things to him, but only one word escaped. "Felix."
His eyes were filled and overflown with tears in a heartbeat. He moved and did exactly what I craved the most. He took me in his arms and pressed me to his warm body.
"I'm so sorry, Zoe. I'm so, so sorry," he sobbed. "I should have listened to you. I should have stopped and let myself think for at least a moment. I was so stupid. I hope that one day you can forgive me, even though I don't deserve it."
I barely heard his words, because I didn't care about them. He was there with me and he didn't hate me. In that moment, that was all that mattered and everything else was forgotten. I heard the plea in his voice, though, and wanted it gone, so I gathered my strength to reply to him.
"I don't blame you," I whispered.
He became completely quiet for a moment before he held me even tighter.
"Fuck Zoe, you should. You should hate me and be disgusted by me."
"But I love you."
It wasn't until after I had said the words that I realized it was the first time I had properly said them. I felt no awkwardness about it, though. It felt completely right, especially in that moment. Like it was the only thing that could in any way make anything right and clear. The only answer I could give.
"I love you too, Zoe," he answered. His voice trembled and his grip on me felt almost desperate, like I was an anchor that secured him to life. "I love you so fucking much. And I don't care about anything else. I was a fool to think otherwise, but I know that now. I love you and nothing can change that."
We became quiet and just sat there. Let all the problems be forgotten for a moment. I wished it had lasted forever, but reality was a fact we had to deal with.
"I need to check on my dad," Felix said and broke the silence. "I need to see if he's okay or not and... I also want to try to talk a little bit of sense into him."
"You will be careful, though?" I said and moved my head to look at him. His face was tear-stained and all of those negative emotions were still there. I wanted them gone, but I didn't know how.
He gave me a weak smile. "Don't worry. I'll be fine."
I nodded. I didn't like the idea of him going back there, but I knew it was for the best. It was his father, after all.
"Should I take you somewhere first? Somewhere you can rest?"
Not until then did I properly take in our surroundings. The place we were in reminded me of the garden from my dream, just not as magical. In fact, it was rather plain in comparison. But it made me feel safe and comfortable and I also just felt like I had to be there.
"I like this place," I said. "I'll wait here."
"Alright. I'll be back soon. I promise. I just have to..."
There was a mixture of worry and anger in his eyes and with my recovered strength, I lifted my hand to first dry away his tears and then to cup his cheek.
"Don't hate him," I said. "And don't feel like you should. He is your father and he matters to you."
Felix placed his hand over mine and moved his head to kiss my palm.
"I love you," he said and that time I felt his words in a way I hadn't before. They made me warm and fussy and happy. They made everything leading up to that moment feel worth it and like I gladly would go through all the hardships I had ever suffered a million times again if that was necessary to get to hear him say those words.
"I love you too."
I got down from his lap and sat back down on the grass. He held my hand and gave it a little squeeze before letting go.
"I won't be long," he promised before leaving.
While he had been holding me, the echoing pain in my body had all been gone. But the moment he disappeared from my line of sight, it returned. I could feel the burning pain, it might have been lingering pain or it was just the memory that was so strong that my nerves burned again.
My strength disappeared also and the happiness. Felix maybe had forgiven me, but that didn't make me any surer that all of it was right. His safety was most important, and he wasn't safe while he was with me.
I couldn't hold myself up, so I let myself fall to the ground and fall into the darkness of my spiraling thoughts.
I couldn't bring myself to care about what I could be killing as I curled into a ball. Everything hurt too much for that. Every single cell in my body hurt. Every single thought was a misery.
The sound of giggling reached me, together with light footsteps and the rustling of leaves. But as the giggling got nearer, it stopped and two different voices gasped as one.
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