The eternality in our ephemerality

Chapter 5. Why did i ever think this was a good idea?

A liquid massage awoke me from my fading: minuscule droplets, fallen from the greater imposition of a velvet pine tree, collapsed into my sullen face. With each tear sinking and melting under my pores, the rage encapsulated in my blood and the coldness hidden beneath my heart slowly evaporated; like the memory of he and I.

My body continued to shiver in cold: my metallic arms sealed my body into the fetal position as they hugged every limb and cribbed them altogether into whatever hugged shape I now was. My legs pressing my chest, and my fingers, in a noble act of faith, interlocked with themselves as my chin buried between them. Helpless I stared at the ground, attempting to look up into the sky's intimidating roar. I covered my hair with my dampened hoodie.

After i had entered the fence, i walked and walked and walked....I went deeper and deeper into that foreign land. Until my feet, like the rest of my entire body, gave up. I fell, and found shelter into a fallen log. I curled my body into a tiny ball and, as if i hadn't wasted enough tears, found myself crying again. 

But not for him, for me. And everything i lost in the moment i agreed to be perfect. 

The wind howled again. 

For a summer night, the cold was unbearable. And for a winter night, the cold was unbearable. 

I was freezing, and each stroke of wind that brushed my face.  Like thousands of needles stinging you, piercing you, froze me into place.

The needles, automatically, tore regrestlessly through my flesh, there was no barrier keeping them from piercing for this hoodie made no cover.

I pressed my body harder to my core; neglecting the desire to run away from this place and simply praying that the chills would soon end.

The frost, accentuated by the wind's frigidity, began.

Muddied water, like snakes on the hunt: dampened my shoes and froze my bottom into place; the body my mind was a prison at was without filter and disguise freezing in the icy, humid weather...

Nature doesn't care for a simple, far too idiotic for any verb to be described, harmed girl.

I care, I feel, I love.

With those words echoed, a memory flashed by; the single moment where I was lying in my bed with straps of cold bed sheets surrounding me, a thermometer placed directly above my reddened upper lip and my cheeks blushed with pain. Huge ashamed eyes looking directly at a concerned mothers gaze. Perplexed in their innocence, the beholder's heart would ache.

Fever, pain, illness.

Instead of being a memory of how I spent most of my 8th and 9th year, it seemed now like a vision of what would come....

Trembling.

Quivers.

Each muscle contraction more painful than the last, each move of a finger draining the last bit of energy I had remained, each flutter of an eye begging for all to stop.

Death is easy, peaceful even. Shutting your eyes and never opening them again.

Living, breathing, loving.... is so much harder.

But if my eyes shut right now, in this very second with the wind whispering below my ear and the trembles sliding down my back like the droplets moistening my skin from the trees above, who will get hurt?

Death is easy for those who are gone, but in that selfish act the pain remains for those who stay.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

The person that faded away from this existence is gone in the moment the heart stops beating, that's the moment where your soul leaves your body and drifts like the waves. Bubbling up to the eternal sky.

All things in this world are ephemeral, but the one dreadful thing that had the gift of immortality is that we fear the most.

There is something that is eternal in this world, and it is death.

And then, like the shutting of a door

silence...

My eyelids shut fiercely, instantly: for the inattentive sky had already kidnapped the light from my view. I attempted shut them harder, to forget the peril of where I was, the pain of my muscles and bones, the pain of my heart....

Silence....

The breeze, cold and silent, roared once again; bringing a panther-shaped mist that slithered through the thicket up to my crumbling feet. My daze dared look up: branches, once kind and secure, now were victims of an uncomfortable edge that crept to my defenselessness; and the crunching sound of torn leaves, like a wound incapable of closure, drummed in my mind and echoed vivaciously as I watched how another leaf toppled into the earth....

Like a heart: the unnoticeable silence when they fall, yet the unsettling crunch when they are stepped over.

Clouds of mist hovering, waiting.... like ghosted veils of uncertain menace haunting me with their depths.

They roared a foreseen end that waited, like mist once was, just around the corner.

The fait i had already foreseen,

The fait that my life was nothing more and nothing less than a badly portrayed lie.

And the mist, dark and tenacious would without hesitation put an end to it.

My swollen heart and glass eyes would see how quickly it would all end.

fin.

The divine sinister there is in the woods finally revealing to my soul.

But if nature truly didn't care for me, then why am I still thinking?

Feeling.

Loving.

An endless fight of fleeting light and abiding shadows

The sun hauling the dark, and the dark haunting the sun.

Day after day it repeats and so it becomes life

The same life that made love's equal to hate

The same, monotonous life....

That made my family

My smile, my laughter, my joy.

How far has my selfishness arisen ever since I came into the woods?

Hoping the superficial pain and anguish would end.

Hoping the fighting and hurting would end.

Finally unmasking the life that was an irrefutable lie.

My heart's aching has commenced

All because it was in a dispute to be cherished.

But for now, for this wrenching, senseless debate, my heart will glow with the same intensity it had before.

I might be missing the warmth of a caress or the delicate graze of a kiss.

But the woods, as silent and sinister as it may be, are already in my heart.

Scorched and tempted.

I couldn't leave, both because i literally, and metaphorically, couldn't move. I was embelished by how, despite freezing, the winds and trees cribbed me up and invited me to stay.....And who would be so daring as to fight with nature?