The eternality in our ephemerality

Chapter 64. Throwing morales out the window is the best relief.

Andrew continued the stupid attempt to cheer me up, eventually I smiled and allowed him to rant about how he should conquer Jane, I as a truthful friend said that Jane would be courted with a box of chocolates and truthfully, a bottle of vodka (as much as I hated it). I advised him to be himself, just to smile and talk to her, I had already seen the spark, it was just up to time to allow the flame to ignite.

I tried to forget, to distract myself from my terrible action that had forced Spence to disappear. But why? Why did he disappear? Why did I matter to him so much? It's not like if I was the only girl he'll ever meet or the only one that would save humanity, come on. The thought of it, of him, kept haunting me for months. But, despite my best attempts, who might as well be called pitiful, I couldn't forget him nor neglect my desire to look for him. Just as Spencer had once said: I am unpredictable, and now, it'll play at my advantage. I am way too stubborn to listen to Andrew and way too worried to even concern myself for things that I could deal with later.

Chemistry and Biology couldn't distract me enough, and so, my brain was an endless spinning circle questioning about Spencer and where he could go.

After School I went to all the possible places he could be in, the football court, the library, the tutor group. I even went to the men's locker room and gave a sneaky peak. I even eavesdropped on some of the conversations who could no longer be erased by my brain, in the looks of him but he still was missing. I walked home, frowned and worried until I remembered his beautiful hideout: His tree house. And so, with vaguely high hopes I entered the forest yet another time. Carefully graced with my fingertips the moist bark, the slowly growing moss and the sun's heat shining golden light over my hair. I went upstairs and into his tree house, looked at the view and regretted every single moment I ran away from him.

Until what he did came to mind again and the fuming begun again. 

I was torn, once again, by the thought, the act and the presence his existence meant to mine. 

The daylight continued to shine, the heat embraced me like a warm hug as my legs dangled over the wooden boards. My head rested on his pillows and with the cheering of the sun, I unconsciously opened a copy of one of his books. I opened it and examined the front cover, golden pencil strokes and a blue front cover. I went straight to the end. He was reading les miserables, his favourite book. 

I read what the final page said. 

Death finally came, just like nightfall when the day goes away. 

The End 

I closed the book angrily and released a sarcastic laughter. It felt as if those words mocked me. As if the book had known what would happen. Because of the death of our relationship finally came just as nightfall brushed the day away. 

I stood up again. 

There was nothing left for me to fight for. 

I shouldn't be here anymore. 

And so I left. 

Days went by and I still had no clue where to find him.

I sat in lunch, as i ussually sat but all the conversations seemed to blur into an indistinct chatter no individual words could be set apart from. 

"Hey ale," James said, taking me out of my bubble.

"Oh hi" I answered back as my table was hurriedly cleaned up by my hands.

"I hadn't seen you in some while. Well at least not so quiet" he continued. I chuckled.

"Yeah, I suppose the lack of sleep would have something to do with that" I joked

"Oh. I see"

"Yup" I answered as my eyes darted anywhere but his face.

"Are you okay? You seem faded" His words unmasked me and I couldn't look at him nor his big eyes. There was nothing I could do. I had spent the last days thinking and plotting plans about finding him, but it was all a stupid treasure hunt. What did I truly know about Spencer? Nothing

"No. I am absolutely fine. Magnificent, splendid. In fact, remember the party? I am going" I said proudly

"You are?" He questioned, probably trying to pacify his high hopes

"No. Yes? Yes, I am. Now what day is it?" I asked, remembering helplessly how many days had passed since the tree house. I bit my lip.

"Thursday"

"Thursday?!" I screamed. "Oh my god! How fast! Oh! I'M OLD!" I yelled.

"Ale, you are the smallest one in the class. You're not old!" He laughed

"I know, wait, how old are you?"

"18" He affirmed proudly. I remembered the day where Spencer had said he hated James, and I was here talking to him, laughing with him. I felt guilty. But I mean, he's the bad guy here. He's so confusing! He comes to my house, apologising and mending all of my wounds. Yet, he left...

He grabbed his fancy ass car and drove away.

I have a right to stand up for myself. I have the brain and self appreciation to value myself.

I don't need him.

Somehow it felt like a lie.

His words: "You can fool your mind, but you can never fool your heart"

I grunted as I stamped my feet.

"Oh" I snapped back to reality, seeing James' eyes looking at me and grabbing my arms as the sun's light dazzled me.

"You faded again," He said. I chuckled

"Ugh! I know! Okay now here's what we'll do. If I ever fade away again you will -

"Go on a date with me"

Oh boy.

"No, that wouldn't be a punishment." I lied. laughing. I could feel the creeps of guiltiness, the love Spencer had given me and I-. No, no, ale that wasn't love. No. 

He does not control you. 

And this is my life. I choose what to do and say, who to hang out with.

You aren't my boss. I am.

"You know what? I'm tired of fading away. I am going to that party and you are going to take me with you" I spoke as  threw all expectations and morales out the window. 

I dare to say it was very relieving.