The eternality in our ephemerality

Chapter 28. Escapism.

The music sharpened at each percussion. Daggers piercing my heart.

They were driving me mad.

All I wanted to do was to escape.

I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to see, smell, touch, feel...

I was too numb to feel anything..

But I still bounced to the beat, throbbed my body and shut my eyes as I vibed.

I was still unsure on how I had managed to lift myself from the bathroom floor, leaving all my broken pieces in that cold space. Leaving all the memories and all that could have been. I had left them on the bathroom floor just a moment ago.... but I had.

"Hi" Familiar words, a common voice that spoke from behind: the usual purr that once kept me up at night with a glistening shimmer in my eyes. The effort and delicacy I had placed in sinking my thoughts and mend in between the crowd. Somehow escaping myself by hiding.

The figure was there. Staring.

I could not bare the sadism within those eyes. I had to protect the last pieces of heart i had in my bleeding palms.

Without education: I walked outside and headed into the candy bar, hoping for some idiotic comfort... neglecting the soul whose feet crunched behind as a forced follow.

I was aware that he'd remain, until I was brave enough to confront him.

I stopped intimidatingly; my back was still facing his eyes.

My hands reached the table, grasping it with formidable strength as I seized a candies wrapper and clenched it in my jaws.

With no more left to spare me from my anguish, my head coiled to his sound and turned to the figure as fierce as shamefully possible. But the figure did not seem menacing, its head struck on the ground as our distance was attempted to be shortened.

I stepped back, defending my position and salvaging whatever tears I had left.

"Hey" The words, as the acid that churned in my stomach, burned my throat. 

I now knew only one emotion... and it was rage.

"I ... really wanted to tell you- It was wrong- I told you!...you deserve better" His tongue stumbled, his hands reached for mine; I shook his paws of me and stared into his eyes that despite my incredibility: would have been seen as devastated from another soul who wasn't mine. I laughed with wry anguish and his misery.

"I do" And his eyes pierced with unfounded confusion "I deserve better...But so did you. I hope that you are contempt with the perfection you chose"

With those words, I wounded his vanity: his eyes no longer had the bravery to sympathise with mine, they fled. His hand no longer regretted the exile it was bound to have, it tormented it.

"Ale...Alesita" His lips, soft in their cruelty, spoke my nickname regretfully. As he did, a hurricane blazed over my grief, like lemon on my wound. Memories, graces, smiles....all that was were never true.

"I hope you are happy when she breaks your heart" I mumbled "Because if you were hoping to find someone who did, then congratulations: you won"

His lips now sealed themselves in shame: unable to speak a word because he knew that I was a word. A bitch.

"I am sorry" he commenced once again, my eyes fixated in his and he could not bare it "I know that I did wrong, that I hurt you...but I hope that we still can be friends"

My lips, sealed in a sarcastic veil, revealed a masochistic smile that wounded me more than him and his ignorance.

"You left" I mumbled "You chose her...it was your choice. Before everything you knew how she hurt me, how she specifically pleaded out of my anguish...Do you need more reminders of my pain than these words? Than the memories? You know what she did Sean!"

Unable to say a word, his neck coiled foolishly to the ground. I attempted to muzzle my tongue: but it searched for vindication.

"Sean, you are not naive, stop acting like that. Stop acting like a fool! You were selfish and careless and a terrible person. With all the possible girls you could have cheated on you chose her! You were just the type of boy i thought you weren't! You lied, not only to me but to yourself! Who the hell are you? Who do you think you are? Do you honestly think I'd want to be friends with a backstabber like you? Because if this is who you truly are then i don't think i'd ever want to see you again. " Unable to speak the words, to breathe without scorching my lungs to acid....to damage. "I don't know if even what we had was real. Do you even know what love is? How long were you pretending?"

He didn't say a word. I stared even more. I couldn't believe i was speaking like that. That I was accusing him of not knowing what love was when I'm not even sure what it is.....But it is sure as hell that this cannot be it. This will not be my definition of love. 

"But she was your friend!" He interrupted an attempt to save his coaled body.

"We were" I corrected "Until she did-"

And his aggrieved huff interrupted my lips.

"But be assured" I spoke. He struck his eyes violently upwards "That you and Haiden deserve each other"

"What?" His rage tilted up to his limbs: confusion crawling in between his furrowed eyebrows and incomprehensible cheeks roared in a crimson tonality that his pride had been scarred.

The platelets inhibited the haemorrhage to keep its flood: they, as a shield of metal, braced the impact and mumbled the cruelty that was encapsulated by my heart.

"You deserve each other as you're both as cruel on the outside as you are on the inside. You did me a favor, you spared me from the horrible person you actually are."

And if my previous words had wounded him, they scorched his skin alive.

The crimson colouring from his cheeks fled, the radii of his pupils expanded unnaturally.

He was frozen, a petrification that stared at his reflection in my eyes and was vexed in his perplexing.

It felt as if now my soul liberated from his clench: I had escaped.

Enwrapped in that thought, too eager to let it pass, I smiled in the last shreds of politeness and turned my body away from his.

As my neck coiled away, I realised my ears weren't the only ones who were hearing thsi conversation. My head, initially coiling downwards, tilted upwards and shivered a cruel smile. Haiden, seeking for Sean's attention and failed in conceiving, scolded at my name and huffed in anger. The boy to whom she yelled at was now a robotic creature with no actions or words to excuse his behaviour, his mind had been short-circuited.

And everyone seemed to approve. Even the beastly boy appeared to spare me from his grins, it even appeared to be the beginning of a smile.

I did not know i had it in me....and neither anyone else.