The eternality in our ephemerality

Chapter 6. To freeze or to flee, that is the question.

Silence shrieked once again.... despite an occasional hail from a tweeting bird, leaving and coming from their extending nests; the stillness in myself grew stronger from my soreness. In a moment i was unable to move from this log, like my body, it had turned into my very own prison. My aquarelle fingers were painted blue and my legs, still holding threatfully at my ached chest, increased the strength at which my core binded with my extremities. It was a pure action that sought refugee from the frost the wind threw at my unshielded face.

My dear squirrelled companion (Mr Fillibilly i had named him) fled back into its warm, inoculated guard on top of the fallen branch my body curved at; he, in a spit of arrogant intelligence, bolted from the ghastly fog figures. I never thought a squirrel would be smarter than me, but here I am again.

I remained a prey to the fogs monster that doubled its size within each passing second: it grew without rate and now covered half of my trembling body with a white silk blanket. I suppose most of us have a mist that protects our vulnerability and mesmerises our faults...mine had cearly been broken.

Be a coward and go home! My unconcious shouted, and for I moment I did consider it

But my body would not give in, it couldnt physically move and to be honest, I didn't want it to. If i died inn this very moment, If this was my ending, then it would be a ending far more beautiful than many others. No violent car accidents, gang fights, alchoholic abuse, drug addiction, nothing, just stillness...It would be a peaceful one, even slighly romantic.

The mist punctured my drizzled, dilated eyes: each time the purple impregnation below them shimmering in iridescence...

. At each tick, the cold sunk me further into a sleep. Drifting me, like an enraged ocean, even further from a lifeboat ....

The image of my grandmother peeked into my mind. The same image of broken, mingled and agonised face she had when her whole adoration faded away.

Where her heart was ripped away without consideration and she had to stand up again.

Her mind broke, her heart torn, her soul faded. And the feeling of having to stand up again without feeling your legs.

I echoed her pain. 

The polaroids fled by: A concerned mother hoping her child would be safe, an enraged sibling heart praying and a desperate father simply stating he hoped that her reckless daughter would simply come home...

I giggled at my thought, because for so long I had been obsessed wth the idea of not hurting and here I was overcoming my overwhelming sensation, my fright fright to hurt. I feared someone would hurt someone who doesn't deserve to, no one does... and yet we do it. Somehow I always knew that the someone getting hurt would be me, and now, I do it it to my family.

My question remains: what happened to the kind in mankind?

Run! Go! Get out of here! My mind yelled, screamed and it felt as if the same screeching sound made when metal is glided with another; the sound of muddy and dusty fingernails screeching the woods bark all at once: hoping for a miracle. A miracle that life itself cared so little that it would happily tear my heart out with the same carelessness an apple is dropped from a tree.

I attempted to look up, to see what was happening, but my fluttering eyes blinke din desperatin, my stomach roared and ahole embodied my chest...my orientation was lost.

Once again, my chest snuggled closer to my legs and attempted, painfully, to breathe, long story short, I couldn't. Daggers of frost glided down my throat and burned my lungs; each muscle contraction, feeling the air inside their fibres, froze all my muscles in place.

Each thud of heart became as painful as trying to melt a frozen plaquette; the beating struggling to fight the iced strangulation. The monotonous pound nos became into an impulsive banging that hammered my rib cages and turned me, and everything inside, into a frozen, petrified, cell.

My pursed lips continued to retain the pain...better said, the last threads of heat left inside me.

At this point, if a vampire or werewolf appeared: my eyes would still blink twice and allow to suck out the life I, with such pride and ignorance, had wasted.

I had it all: perfect friends, perfect grades, perfect family, perfect economical status, perfect boyfriend...... Maybe he did do me a favor. If all I had was perfection, then it might as well be nothing. The closer you are to perfection, the further you are from what is true. 

Now, with all the words, I didn't give a single fuck.

My teeth's symphony remained like the buzzing of a bee or the constant beep of the heart rate monitor. Always there, always beeping... But that grinding sound of teeth dentin grazing against the other was better than the deadly nothingness this sin had come to provide.

Once the truth becomes too known, it is encaged in boredom and predictability so it won't even be glanced.... That is what had happend to me, i had become predictable, boring, wortheless.

I blinked once again, each time harder to stay awake. I noticed the silk blanket remained. Its anatomy perfectly made to enhance its lie. Fragile, breakable, delicate it appears; until you are surrounded from all the limbs like a python closing you in...the realisation emerges it is a blanket designed to cover whatever ugliness it appears to have. I had been fooled and manipulated, tricked into a tramp everyone except myself had the ability to view.

He did not love me,

and I knew...

No matter how much I tried, no matter how big of a heart I had, I would never be enough for him.

My heart loves more than what it's fist-sized can contain: all for them. I did what was best for them.

And I encounter myself disputing the value of my solitude now, in these woods, where my solitude is the only value I need.

Love can be easy for those who receive it; for those who give it and are tempted to collapse....I tilt my hat to your very strong heart.

I knew from the very start my light and smile were envied by the lot, I was a threat.

My truthful happy soul was a threat. My desire to help and be good was a threat.

A threat that had to be suppressed and the light needed to burn out.

Fog is a reminder of what is left, this wretched organ I have for a heart is the carbonised ashes that were left.

I finally allowed the curtain to fall down.... And shut in a melancholic dream every memory i had of him and the lie our relationship was. 

The lashed curtain slowly fell, until darkness was all that was left. 

_______________________________________________________

Guys! How are you liking it so far? I can't wait to see all of your comments and to hear from all of you! 

Once again, i love you already. 

And just because I'm an overthinker, do not even think about copying and/ or stealing any of my words. I'm watching you.....and so is my lawyer. 

Go have fun! reeeeeaaaadd and please do tell me what you think! 

All my love, A.