The eternality in our ephemerality

Chapter 61. Players do have a great poker face.

I began to walk out of the tree house, wiping away the tears and purring through the venom that coursed my veins. His paralyzed mind still undoubtedly petrified, as if life haven't given me enough irony, faced the disgraces of regret in his facade: for his once perfect face was now periled to become a wrinkled, agonised breath of aching guilt.

With nothing more left to say, I ran away.

Ran away from him and his smile.

Ran away from his heat and touch.

Ran away from his love.

I pantsed my way down the street, wiping away the tears. Bursting myself into a tantrum and holding my breath each time I felt my feet were about to collapse.

Too much to handle. Too painful to seek help. To agonising that my veins birthed away the fear and my hearts pounding never seized. My imaginary plastic bag covering my pure lungs, blinding my clear sight, drowning away the voices but replacing them in mumbles....

I could feel each inch of lactic acid growing more in the insides of me, expanding... suffocating. It burned my lungs like a fire being put out with gasoline.

A pain unlike any other I've managed to experience. The grunting and bubbling of fear and anger grabbed a whole of my mind and tears were the only visible thing and known fact I could see. Tress passed, leaves fell. Blurs of pain and sorrow as my hands desperately wiped away my struggle.

Why did I do that?!

What is wrong with me to reject someone like him?

Am I mad?

I simply.... Couldn't.

I began to laugh, laughing my soul out and crumbling into the same human round ball this forest had placed me in.

Laughing so hard, forceful, that the tears never stopped flowing.

The same emotion where laughter is confused with sorrow.

I was grieving for what I had lost. Something I had intentionally lost

I had made my suicidal love attempt.

And I failed.

Bring in the ice cream! put on the movie! For my shredded heart can never love again.

More tears overflowed, and just as I exhaled, my china doll lungs almost seemed to be at their breaking point, a pain unlike, a dreadful pain, the same pain my heart was kept locked behind those cement walls. I feared it. Above all, pain was my enemy.

As much as the desire came, the passion and the heat from both of our hearts, it was neglected by my brain. Rejected without any other thought.

"I can't" My words echoed in the insides of me, igniting a fury that could no longer be put aside, it was part of me... it was me.

Once again, the tiny shredded glasses cut through my skin and the haemorrhage had begun. The hole in my heart and chest; the badly placed stitches were now blowing up, ripping the skin off my bones and reducing my whole disaster into one word: pain.

The memory soon came, a vivid image of me running away from my house and into the place I just had left. The wind smashing my face and freezing instantly my tears; the day I entered the forest and the day my heart never left.

It stayed there next to the moist trees, the chirping squirrels and the slowly growing moss as it expanded over my red drum.

My heart froze and my chest was now at the same temperature as my ice cold fingertips. How quickly I was running away from everything, from Haiden and Sean. And now, I was running away from him.

My one true chance to feel alive.

My feet stopped. My heart stopped pumping blood and the oaky season was soon felt by me. The whole world entered a slow mo trance: a leaf falling from a tree, my golden hairs being lifted by the wind. The icy temperature not only I had now.

How can I be so stupid?

Him, in love with me? Of course not! He played me. Used me. For god knows what. 

Another tear rolled down as it seemed impossible for me to get back home; the exhaustion from my head and heart were still present but now I had felt what a broken heart feels like.

The unstoppable pounding heart and never ending tears.

The quivering lips and broken clavicles nailing me to the ground.

The shameful knees were too damaged to stand up again.

The broken scars perpetuated in my skin from the first time I met him.

And now the sinful of them all being obliviated from my pale skin tone, encrusted in my veins and darkening the ink that floods inside of me. The most painful and yet the most neglected.

The feeling of my glass heart shattering from the insides of me.

For the first time I could feel the glass encrusted in my skin and bleeding myself out, like leeches taking a hold of my energy and life.

I had experienced anger and sadness when Sean left me, the pain of knowing that the person who you thought your heart was given into... but the dangers are much higher here; because my heart already belonged to him.

As ironic and foolish as it sounds, my heart was now under his custody.

How can you protect something that is not even yours?

With Sean everything was autumn, like the dark, faded colour of the leaves falling from each of the trees, the icy temperature, fast winds and covered outfits. It possessed the desire to stay in bed with a hot coco.

It had no fire expanding across you, nor the burn it feels when the flame becomes so grand it scorches your heart. What I had with Sean cannot be called love, it was a mended patch for a wound we both felt. The wound of companionship, of praise and hugs.

No crazy passions nor love, it was autumn...

Winter soon came and autumn faded away, melted by the frostbite and torn apart by the depths of despair. I was torn apart... thought to have experienced betrayal in the worst possible way, thought so too that my heart and mind became confused, as they labelled it like a broken heart...But it was also a sunrise, a beautiful inevitable sunlight that touches your face the very first second the midst fade away. The icy cold of your fingertips melts away and is embraced with the daylights. The sun awoke me again, once again.

Spencer came along like spring. The flowers bloomed, the sun was shining bright and up in the sky. Our hands glanced along, our eyes as soon as they met knew a story laid behind them.

He had the colours that made my heart soar, the heat of his touch, the ignition of our kiss...

He was my spring. He was my life boat. He is my Spencer.

And I just had left him.

Broken and sustained in my soul memory that I once had loved him.

I loved it more.

More than what my heart could withstand.

And more than what my brain could imagine.

I loved him more.

But everything is a cycle. Every smile, every touch, every pound comes to an end.

The only thing we have for certain, is the one true thing we come to fear.

The only true glimpse blinking up in the night sky.

The eternality of our ephemerality.