Logan's Version

Logan's Version (scene 1) - Pilot's Version

[The scene opens with several shots of Denver, Colorado, before it focuses on a specific white-colored bungalow with a pale brown roof. The edges of the window are coloured brown, and so is the front door. Finally, the interior of the Hilsons' living room (where most of the drama happens) is shown. It is home to black actor siblings, 25 year-old Zoey & 20 year-old Logan Hilson. Meanwhile, Zoey & 7 year old Michael, whom the siblings are babysitting, are seen sitting on the living room couch, watching TV, and eating apple pies. They are watching a comedy show starring the titular character, Logan, on air]
Zoey: (turning to Michael) Michael, you did not tell me your teacher, Logan, was comedy gifted. He must've made you laugh when he was your teacher in kindergarten.
Michael: (cuts in) He did; he made us laugh at how awful his jokes were. I mean, why will you tell Justin Bieber that you were "just in time" for his concert tour? Are u trying to get cancelled? [laugh track]
Zoey: (repeats the unintentional pun he just said to herself) Tour? canceled? Justin? (shrugs) You're right; that joke is so 2 years ago (takes her phone, whispers), which is why I'm telling Anne how hilarious it sounds (laugh track)
Logan: (on TV) I used to work as a teacher in a kindergarten. Of course, children are adorable; always making us smile. I'm actually babysitting one of them, Michael, smart, funny, and has a big heart. But let's be honest, that boy makes me take a Panadol pill every single day. And yes, you're allowed to call them morning-after pills (audience laughs) [laugh track]
Michael: I can not believe he would say such a thing. It's not even funny
Zoey: (laughing) Right? And I have to buy them every time I stop by the house (sees Michael sulking). You know it's true.
Michael: Fine, but that's the only issue here
Logan: (continues) And he thinks he's good at word play. One time, he said, "Mr Logan, you look incredible today." And I say, "Thank u, Michael. What do u want?" (slight laughter from the audience) And he shows me his colouring book and asks, "Please, change the credit (C) to a better grade (A)." But I tell him, "Nah, that's an "incredible" look on ur test, and u got the perfect "credit" for ur work" (audience actually laughs)
Zoey: (chuckles) Credit & Incredible? U obviously got the jokes from him, and u said he wasn't funny? (Michael frowns, sulking angrily, while Zoey laughs heartily. Michael goes to the kitchen to take some food)
Logan: (enters the room) I see u guys are watching the comedy special (smiles at Michael). Hey, Michael. My man!
Michael: (holding a plate of rice, glares at Logan) Hello, William (Zoey sips tea, which came from nowhere)
Zoey: (grins) This gonna be good [laugh track]
Logan: William? U never call me by my full name unless you did something.
Michael: YOU did something. U told those people bad jokes about me
Logan: They're not bad. They're true, and it's the only funny thing in my head. Your class was a full house
Zoey: Full house?! On behalf of the Olsen twins, I'm offended [laugh track]
Logan: They did not chaos. Don't misunderstand what I said.
Michael: But we're in an actual house, stop the word play, and make more room for better jokes [laugh track]
Zoey: (stares at Michael) Like teacher, like student. You made the exact same joke like your teacher.
Michael: But I'm a child, it's funnier when I say it [laugh track]. It's a dad joke when u say it.
Logan: I look at least 16.
Michael: Which makes it worse [laugh track]. (The doorbell rings, and Logan goes to open the door. There at the door is a busty, blonde lady in a stereotypical pizza delivery outfit. She's almost tall like Logan, who grins at her)
Logan: Hello, blonde. (reads her name tag) Tracy? Hello, Tracy. Looking pretty as always.
Tracy: I don't date crazy guys [laugh track]. Can I get my payment and my tip now like I'm supposed to.
Logan: (brings out some money from his pocket) But you like rich men, don't you?
Tracy: Aren't you like 15? I can't risk going to jail, it's not worth it.
Logan: (takes the box of pizza) That was surprisingly polite.
Tracy: I wasn't being polite [brief laugh track]. (She snatches the money and walks away. Logan closes the door and sets down the pizza on the centre table. They start to eat some slices)
Michael: Please, don't tell any teacher - children jokes again, please (sulks)
Logan: (exhales) But no other joke is funny, I mean, listen. (clears throat) Children, right? [laugh track] (The awkwardly dead silence between Zoey & Michael, who are unmoved by whatever he just said)
Zoey: Another child joke? Logan, Michael is BOILING!
Logan: (scoffs) And? He's not the only one with childhood trauma [laugh track]
Zoey: (rolls her eyes) Where do you even get these ideas from? Did Michael offend you? [laugh track]
Michael: (widens eyes) Is childhood trauma your idea of dark humour?! [laugh track]
Logan: (realizes) I'm sorry, I got boy problems, OK?
Michael: Boy problems?! BOY PROBLEMS! BOY, what IS your problem?!!! [laugh track]
Logan: (palms his face) I'm sorry, I stooped so low
Michael: (looks up in anger) Low? (twitches eye) Am I supposed to be annoyed?
Logan: Well, you are quite young to get the joke anyway, so (he shrugs)
Zoey: (innocently amused) That's the name of his other show, Logan's So Lo Version. How did you even know about it?
Michael: (yells lightly) I can't take it anymore! Thanks to you, I've got childhood issues [he storms off, amidst laugh track]
Logan: (confused) What is his problem? Little guy is blowing small matters out of proportion
Zoey: (glares) Small? Little? U must have had a really bad childhood to still make those "young" crappy jokes [brief laugh track].
Logan: You just made up one.
Zoey: (stands up) Cuz I'm the cool sibling. If we reverse conversations, the readers and viewers will simply scroll past this on their phones and most likely not care [laugh track].
Logan: Where are you going?
Zoey: I have to go for a wedding, I heard there's gonna be lots of cake and refreshments.
Logan: Can I come with Michael? I'm not on set or anything today
Zoey: (hesitates, replies with high pitch) Yeah, sure (Logan notices the high pitch, but is interrupted before he can respond) MICHAEL! We're going out!
Michael: Already dressed (walks in wearing a blue T-shirt and black trousers and wearing blue Crocs on his feet, while holding a blue envelope) You almost forgot this in the room
Zoey: Thanks, Michael. Such a gentleman.
Logan: That was fast; How did you get into the jeans so quickly?
Michael: (chuckles) I'm not a child, teacher. Come on (opens the door to leave) [laugh track]
Logan: (whispers to Zoey) He's like 8 -
Zoey: (cuts in) Logan, we do not need him calling you by your actual name again, or we'll be in hot stew at the wedding - literally [laugh track]; it's his moment, let him have it.
Logan: (understands) Fine, but hot stew isn't so bad. I got two coolers in the car (walks off quickly)
Zoey: (horrified) WILLIAM?! Don't u dare do the Logan thing when we get there!! (rushes to catch up with them before closing the door behind her) [final laugh track as the scene closes].