Psychosis and Dentures

The day of the dental procedure started off as any other day. Well, close. Had to drive from Red Deer to Edmonton. The sun rising was a welcomed reminded for a fresh new day. New beginnings. After all I was getting a brand new smile. A confident smile I wouldn't have to hide behind my hand when I talked, smiled or laughed.

The day was a bit stressful as I took the wrong turn off and had to back track a bit. Thank goodness for GPS though.

As I arrived to my kids dads place, we got the kids ready to go to the dental clinic. I was very nervous but trying to be brave. 

Get the dental clinic, I am having second thoughts. They do the normal check up, blood pressure, explain the process. I only have 5 teeth left on my top. Shouldn't take too long. They do the freezing as the freezing has set in, my lip feeling heavy, they proceed to remove one tooth at a time. By the time they get to my last two front teeth, I noticed something shift with in me. They did the stitching and I could feel my anxiety levels rising to the max. They insert the denture and encourage me to look in a mirror. I refuse. I do not want to look in the mirror. I know I wont recognize myself. I then feel dizzy, and I see the blood on the dental tray. My anxiety levels increase beyond max. Blood. Reminds me of when I hemorrhaged after my 4th child. 

The way the nurse had to insert her hand in to my uterus and manually remove the blood clots. The pain. Not only that, I had preeclampsia shortly after having my 4th child. The day that I found out was extremely traumatic for me. I felt so alone. My ex, he didn't seem to care. In fact he told me to go for a nap. 

I am so thankful that I listened to my own intuition. That I was and am able to keep myself safe!

Anyways back to the day I got my dentures.... dentist asked what was wrong. I requested a pen and paper. I wrote I am scared. The dentist then asked, why? There's nothing to be afraid of. I am safe. I am okay.

Little did she know, or did I know, the person I was afraid of was in the waiting area.

I remember waiting in the Ped way. I needed to collect my self. My ex muttered under his breathe, Jesus Christ. The way he had no empathy for me. No care. His only thought was how I was inconveniencing him. I just had teeth removed and dentures inserted right away. Did he think I was not in pain? I was trying to remain as calm as I could. As to not anger him any more than he all ready was.

He then said to me in the vehicle, *If I treat everything as an emergency, then there are no emergencies* He was verbally kicking me when I was down. 

The rose colored glasses I was wearing for years, came off. The pain of the dentures woke me up. Helped me become whole again.

Over the next day I hardly slept and was taking Advil and Tylenol like there were candy. Anything to help the pain subsidy. I needed sleep. Yet I couldn't sleep.

24 hours later I had to go back to the dentist for a check up on how my healing was going. I was terrified of the pain. They had to give me some freezing. Even thinking back on that day, I get shivers. I remember telling the dentist I should go to the Psych unit. I felt very mentally ill.

I managed to compose myself enough to go to my Youngest's pediatrician appointment. Why did I think that was a great idea? 

We took the train. Everywhere I looked I seen danger. I was jittery. My ex just looked at me with pity. Looking back on that whole experience, he should have encouraged me to go to the hospital. However, those with no empathy wouldn't care. 

Managed to make it through the day. I now had to drive back to my new city where I moved to from the shelter. I was scared. 

I called my ex and we talked the whole way there.

I made it safely home. My kids and I went to sleep early that night. The following day my mental health was deteriorating even more. I had to get formula for my son. The drug addicts on the street. Everywhere I looked, there was danger. I felt unsafe. Yet I had to keep my two youngest safe. I kept asking my self *

WHEN THE WHOLE WORLD SEEMS UNSAFE, WHERE DO I GO? If can't trust anyone, who do you trust?

I ended up having a panic attack and realized I didn't recognize my oldest son. I needed to get to him. I needed to see him in person. I was scared of him. Why? 

Have I been living in fear for so long? Is that the feeling that I was causing anxiety?

I drove, with only half a tank of gas. I had to pull over and look up the nearest gas station. I do believe my mom was looking out for me. She was giving me strength. God was helping me. The universe was protecting my kids.

I got to my exs house shortly after. He came home angry. Understandable as I was reckless. He wanted to talk, go for a walk. I wasn't ready. I just had a traumatic episode and last few days. I needed to rest. I needed compassion and understanding.

He offered nothing but anger.

He yelled at me, he tried convincing me that the nurses test for all allergies after a baby is born. I know they do not. I am a smart woman. The way he tried convincing me, how convincing he was...scared me. I then knew...what was going on. I wasn't ready. I got my youngest kids ready and drove straight to my oldest brothers house. 

I was rambling. I was a mess. I ...was in a manic state. The joys of bipolar. I spent two nights until the panic attacks took over me. I knew then I needed to go to the hospital. I was terrified.

My ex didn't think I needed to go to the hospital. He knew I was dissociating, however, no care. (I have the texts to prove it).

The term Gaslighting. Wow my world was completely upside down ! I was terrified. The person who was my high school sweet heart...he has been gaslighting me. For control. I confided in my dad over everything. EVERYTHING just poured out of me. 

To be continued.....