Had a visit with my two youngest kids. I miss them so much. My daughter instantly ran to me. We played the running game. She is so refreshing and kind. She is very sparkly. My youngest son, he didn't feel like a stranger to me. Was nice.
Also I flushed the toilet without fear. Intrusive thoughts. They can be so powerful.
I texted my Ex to say thank you for bringing the kids to see me tonight. He then replied, next time he doesn't want to feel like a wallflower.
I wish he could understand that my visits with the kids are for me to visit them not rehash and talk with him. He doesn't understand how detrimental he is for my mental health. He will never understand the toll he has taken on me and my confidence. That finally he yelled at me and bullied, intimidated me enough over the years, that it has taken away my fight. I now run from him. From being scared.
I was thinking back on the time I told him, if he thinks I need help mentally then he has permission to talk to my DR, my psychiatrist. He didn't. I now think I know why. He wanted me to be the *crazy* one in the relationship. He wanted to appear like he was the stable, put together, non-explosive person in the relationship. Now I know it was manipulation. Control.
When I was in the shelter, middle of February to End of March, shortly before getting my dentures and ending up in the hospital. I was finding my happiness, my smile, my laughter. My ex couldn't accept that I was finally happy....with out him.
I did manage to go the whole visit without taking an Ativan. My medications to control the fear, the anxiety....is working. Thank goodness for that.
Gaslighting is a very powerful technique. Cycle of abuse is very real. Its almost like the dentures woke me up and took away the rose colored glasses I was wearing. I was able to see him for what he is.
Not saying I was such a delight in the relationship. I had my faults. Especially in the beginning of our relationship. I was very mean. I did take responsibility and have apologized numerous times. I even encouraged him to seek counseling for it. To heal themselves.
I've always thought I was the problem. Now I am realizing,
I AM NOT THE PROBLEM
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Psychosis and Dentures
Non-FictionPsychosis, Bipolar. PTSD and gaslighting How all that came together all at once How I survived and how I am doing A daily real time blog.
