Psychosis and Dentures

Past 2005

I was and am not perfect.

Maybe I created the monster? I was mean. I talked down to him. I hurt him. Broke his heart numerous times.

I embarrassed him at a Mc Donald's, dumped a soda on his head. I was angry that he was pushing so hard for me to have an abortion. Even so I should not have degraded him like that.

I was angry at a subway. I was jealous of my cousin. She had a supportive partner for her pregnancy. I was angry at my EX. Why couldn't he be supportive of me being pregnant? I understand he was scared. 

I broke his heart. Cheated on him physically and emotionally. 

I yelled at him and treated him poorly after the abortion I had in 2014. I found attention from people on a chatroom in 2015. I emotionally cheated on him. 

I was feeling neglected, alone, replaceable, sad, angry, self-sabotaging behavior's.

I neglected my sons. I disappointed and let them down numerous times.

In all these moments I have reasons for my actions and the way I treated my EX. Even so, with all the reasons, he did not deserve that treatment.

For years I felt guilty and always tried to make it up to him. Take care of him. Do everything for him. That it took a toll on the realtionship.

If only I could get on the right meds... Get the right counselling. Be better. Be healthier. More energy. Then!! and only then...would he forgive me. Would our relationship be healed.

However, the more I did. The more exhausted I became. The more resentful I was of him. 

Realizing that I am not the only problem. That I am not to blame and take responsibility for *ruining* his life. Has made me feel free. Do I have moments of doubt? of course I do! However, I am forgiving myself and that...is a glorious feeling. I FORGIVE MYSELF!]

***UPDATE**

As the days go on and the time from when I was in the psyche unit increases...I keep researching bit by bit of Gaslighting and brain washing and all the things.

I was mean to my EX. Intentional or not. I hurt him, I humiliated him, I..created him as a monster. For this I am sorry and I truly hope he recovers and heals.