Psychosis and Dentures

Death

2001 my mom passed away. She was 41 years old. I am not sure on the details of why and how she passed away. All I know is that three days after she ....well, three days after what she did..she was hooked up to life support. 

I remember painting with my class, junior high. A mural. Having fun with my friends. All of a sudden my parents friend comes to pick me up.

As I am writing this I am getting a lump in my throat. 

Well, I was picked up from class. We rode in silence. All I was told from him is that I am going to go see my mom at the hospital. 

When we got there I gave a big hug to my dad. I don't remember what people were saying around me. The only thing I truly remember is how emotional my brother C was. How his girlfriend was comforting him. I remember seeing my mom hooked up to all the ventilators, IVs, beeping going off on the machines. I didn't know what to say. I just sat in silence. I think that was one of the very last times I seen her alive.....

The doctor came in to the private room we were in. Everyone crying. The doctor said my mom was dying of organ failure. Wow more lumps in my throat. 

I suggested we, as in me, my dad, brothers, all donate an organ to my mom. 

I was 13 at the time. I just wanted my mom back. I wanted her to wake up. Doctors are supposed to be able to perform miracles. Just make her healthy again Doctor! Please.

Unfortunately there was nothing any one could do. 

My dad made a very hard choice, I don't think any one else could have made. He took that burden on to him.

Life was never the same after that.

I remember sleeping, or trying to sleep on the couch at home. Where I was dropped off....alone..while everyone else stayed at the hospital saying goodbye to my mom.

My dad came home at 230 am or 3 am....and told me my mom had passed away. He was sad. I was sad. I cried alone. I was alone. My mom...was gone.

***Some how I managed to, well looking back on it, I dissociated. For a good year I didn't fully accept that she was gone. In my mind she was just out and about with my dad. She would come home soon enough. I would have moments where I acknowledged she was truly gone...My fantasy rainbows and butterfly mind was easier to live in than the reality of what happened.

A year later I broke down. I broke down so hard. The reality of what happened over came me like a terrible fogg on a highway. I was crashing. 

That was the first time I experienced psychosis. I remember feeling like the world was not normal, or real. My dad went on a road trip and I was feeling alone and abandoned again.

My sister in law at the time, took me to the doctors. I am surprised my doctor didn't encourage me to go to hospital. He prescribed Zyprexa and Prozac. Took a while to help. So I was dealing with panic attacks on the daily. Thinking I was losing my mind.

Months after I was dealing with anxiety attacks till one day they dissipated. Thank goodness.

My dad was very sad because a piece of his heart, my mom, was missing. He had a hard time.....He is a very strong man and overcame his alcohol addiction and was able to over come the dark cloud that blanketed his life.

**A few of my fondest memories of my mom was how she always smiled at me when she was walking down the hallway to the kitchen. Her smiles made me feel warm. It was a simple gesture that showed she cares about me. 

When she bought me a scooter when I was 13 years old. Watching her go up and down on the side walk, laughing, genuinely enjoying her self. 

Going to bingo with her. The smoky air filled the room. (Back in the days where they let minors play bingo and when smoking was allowed in public indoor spaces.)

The way her and her sister got along. Silly adults. Love them.

I miss my mom and I think this hard and difficult time, she was with me, somehow. Giving me courage and safety. 

I love you mom. I miss you.