Family counselling today. I am preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.
I am preparing for my teens and my EX to blame and accuse me of everything. The reason our home life fell apart. The reason the relationship fell apart--if only I could have done what HE wanted me to do
Sit Still. Listen. Do as I am told.
However, I am a strong woman who broke out of that brainwashing BS! No person should ever be told that. I Am not Ella, from Ella Enchanted.
Anyways, I am expecting my teenagers to have some pretty big and strong feelings. As no kid wants to see their parents splitting up, regardless of how toxic the home and relationships may be.
Will update after counselling is done.
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5 am and I hear the birds chirp outside my window. Can feel the fresh air on my skin as I am hiccupping and typing.
Being in the moments are hard for me. To stop going in to the day dream mode that likes to welcome me with open arms, like a comforting hug from my mom. Or a coy bath that you sink in to when your muscles are all sore. Every inch of the warm water slowly swallowing your body, until your bum reaches the bottom and you let a sigh of relief out as your lean back against the tub allowing your shoulders to sink down.
Sure! That feeling is amazing, however when not in danger and actually wanting to live life in the moments and be present mentally...not a welcomed daydreaming experience.
I am continuing to stay in the present. I am Safe. I am okay. I am jasmine Wilson.
**The racing thoughts were coming back yesterday. I recognized what was happening. What a big step that is! I was able to hear the individual thoughts instead of the thoughts turning in to a buzzing sound in my ears.
Buzzing. How a change in words could have had a big impact. Racing thoughts, one would think, or at least I thought, I would be able to hear each individual thought. Instead I couldn't. If someone asked if I had buzzing in my ears, maybe then would I have received proper help years ago.
Although, I wouldn't have woken up to the gaslighting that was occurring. The tornado that touched down in April 2024, that ultimately gave me more power to heal myself and those around me. I am grateful for the experience and the knowledge. I still think about my mental health care team.
****I cried last night, had the racing thoughts, and I told myself, it is okay to cry. I gave my self permission. It was a short cry and not an all encompassing and take over my whole day cry. It was a controlled cry, a cry that my body just knew how to do. What a relief. To be able to be sad. To have my facial expressions and body reactions match up with my feelings
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Psychosis and Dentures
Non-FictionPsychosis, Bipolar. PTSD and gaslighting How all that came together all at once How I survived and how I am doing A daily real time blog.
