Psychosis and Dentures

Bipolar

I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I had my first Psychotic episode when I was 14. I never understood why the doctor diagnosed me as such. 

I now know that bipolar can cause psychosis. As well as a pregnancy. I did have a miscarriage a few months prior to my first episode. Could I have had post partum psychosis ? Ill get more in to detail on how I lose my virginity, with the boy next door.

I was reckless with my behavior. Throwing change in to traffic and fetching it, my friends and I thought we were invincible. We were fun and the hottest shyte there ever was. Little did we know we were foolish. Tell us other wise and we would have laughed in your face, walked away with swagger in our hips.

I was in and out of group homes when I was 15. My dad couldn't handle me. I was free to come and go and do as I please living in a group home. I was restless, smoking a pack a day, to try and calm my nerves. Never could go the full 3 days of orientation at the group home. Went AWOL a few times. Surprised they didn't just lock me in the room.

I wasn't a bad child. I stayed away from drugs, she I drank on the regular when the urge came up. Something I could blame my impulsive mistakes on. I was able to just be me! My cousin and I had a lot of fun. 

As winter came, I started feeling incredibly sad and alone. I wanted love. I wanted a baby. So I tried for a baby, thinking that would fix me. Looking back on it now, I was foolish, again. Another human, let alone a baby, cannot fix what is broken within my mind. Thankfully I did not get pregnant. 

My dad and doctor got me in to CASA house. A place for troubled teens. The first day I was there I was so angry and felt abandoned once again. The head boss there requested I take off my shoes, and go to the isolation room. They were cornering, with something being their backs. My only guess was that it was a needle for sedation. 

I reluctantly kicked off my shoes at them, hoping they would hit them.

I went to the isolation room on my own. Angry. Who do they think they are??/

One of the counsellors stayed with me, to make sure I didn't hurt myself. I took advantage of when he was sitting down, I ran. Ran so fast and so hard to go out the front door. It was locked. I remember feeling angry and shut down, ran away in my brain, realizing they had won. I wasn't getting out. 

I dissociated, or put on an act of, I am a good girl. I behave and I am oh so wonderful and I do not cause problems. That was what they wanted ? Oh how good of an actress I was. 

I was there for ten months. Medicated, stable, happy. The few weeks leading up to my discharge I managed to convince the psychiatrist that I was doing amazing and I wanted to get off my medications. She agreed. 

I kept my sadness to myself. Little did they know my self destructive bipolar ways were coming back.

My dad would get angry at me. He thought I was going back in to old behaviors. I wasn't. I was just sad. I was working, an escape. How I loved working at pizza hut.

Pizza hut, the employees and managers, all felt like home. I had a loving home, finally. A place where I was wanted. I worked almost full time, well as full time as possible going to high school. 

Everything was at peace. I was happy....till I wasn't. 

What caused me to become unhappy? Oh I know....

jealousy...a relationship that I would continue for years. The turbulence of what was to come. Me being unsettled and so up and down with my emotions that I cause him to have whip lash.

His poor neck, surprised it didn't break.