Psychosis and Dentures

Weakness

I asked someone why wouldn't he want to get me help? What could his motive have been? I always did tell him if he thought I needed help that he could contact my doctor, psychiatrist, anything. However he didn't.

She told me what she thought, and I do agree with it, unfortunately. Do I want to believe that someone I knew for 19 years would think like that? No, of course not. Facts are facts that I cannot deny.

Her perspective on that matter was that he wanted to keep me vulnerable, for control. He wanted me to believe I was weak and losing my memory. He liked seeing me struggle. I mean heck, he told me he use to start fights on purpose so he could get some alone time. Who does that? 

An adult who is emotionally intelligent would just explain that they need alone time and that is what they are going to do. Setting boundaries like a responsible, caring adult. Not manipulating the other person.

Could this be gaslighting? 

As the days after my dental procedure, the losing of my teeth, helped take the rose colored glasses off that I was viewing him through. 

**Going through psychosis was traumatic for all involved. Especially my kids. I just hope one day they will see me as courageous and was able to seek and ask for help. I hope that will encourage them to ask and seek help if they or someone they care for needs it. No shame in mental health care.***

The rose colored glasses were coming off and my memories were all coming back in a flood. Overwhelming me. I was feeling terrified. I took as many Ativan's as the nurses allowed. ust to hold back the memories that were trying to drown me.

My whole world was upside down. I seen him for what he truly is, was. 

Did I really create a monster or was this the kind of person he was at the beginning and was destined to grow in to?

I guess nurture over nature? Can that apply to a romantic relationship I wonder?

I do believe he liked that I would try and make up for my wrong doings. I was taking care of him and the kids and hardly asked him for help. It was only in the last year, when I was pregnant with our fourth child and I was breaking mentally. Although he didn't seem to care. The house was always disorganized. Chaotic. Messy. Heck the toilet didn't even flush properly. 

The anger was increasing from him. The more anger that happened the more I would shut down and isolate myself. Fear. 

He would always ask me, "if I was so afraid of him why would I fight back." Well I would fight back when he would threated to spank or give one good smack to the kids, so they would be obedient. As a mother who did grow up traumatized in a chaotic home environment, I knew how detrimental and traumatic that can be to a young child. 

I will always fight for the safety of my children.