I heard a song that reminded me of you today. I wish it didn't.
You shouldn't be dancing in the sky. You should be dancing here.
It's selfish of me to say that. I have no clue what was happening inside your head.
I've wished all day that I could call you or text you. Something. Just one last time.
I wish I could have been there to stop you.
I want to be able to see you dance again. I want to hear your voice. It's changing more from a want to a need for me to feel sane.
Everyone keeps telling me that they are so sorry. I can't help but wonder if they really know what it's like.
I need people to stop tip toeing around the subject like it's a time bomb. Maybe I don't want space from it. Or maybe I do. I can't really make up my mind about that one.
We had a free day today in history. It didn't go well. I had already been caught up with everything, so I was left alone with my thoughts.
It was also karaoke Friday. That's where I heard the song.
I wish that song didn't remind me of you. But I can't deny the fact that you're really gone no matter how hard I've tried.
I know you're happy up there. We are shattered. I like to think that you'd rather be down here with us. I'd like to think that it wasn't suicide.
Deep down, I know you wouldn't have told me. You're like my big brother. You would have wanted to keep me in the dark. You wouldn't have wanted to hurt me.
I know it wouldn't have made a difference even if I had called you. Or maybe even have texted.
I wish I had gone back into the practice room to mention one more time that I love you.
You did hurt me, you know. By keeping me in the dark. I can't be angry, though. If I'm angry, then I'll forget the memories I want to keep. They'd be taken up by anger.
I don't think you meant to. I think maybe you were just ready for an escape.
That song, dancing in the sky. Yeah, that was bad. I remembered how much you liked to dance.
It feels weird talking about you as if you existed in the past. I don't like past tense anymore, but I suppose I still have to use it.
I feel guilty. I don't really know why. I guess maybe it's just that little voice in the back of my mind saying that I should have done something.
I'm sane enough as I'm writing this to know that it isn't my fault, but it kind of comes in waves. I'll do okay for a little while. Usually, during a class change or something. I guess when I'm walking it's better.
I don't like cars anymore since that's where I found out.
I don't know anymore. I feel like maybe I'm being insensitive to our friends by not reaching out and making sure they're alright, but I feel like anything I say would worsen the situation.
It's that little voice again. Saying that I'm a horrible person for not even texting. But what do you say?
I can't come up with words anymore. And when someone asks why I'm crying, it feels so much worse. Because I'm thinking of you already. Knowing why I'm thinking of you makes it so much worse.
My aunt called me rude today. Nobody told her about what happened to you. She said that I had talked in a rude way or something. I'm not really sure. I haven't slept much, and if I'm being honest, being nice to her wasn't my top priority at the moment.
I keep trying to wake up, but it's not working. Every single time I pinch myself, you're still gone. I'm not giving up on trying that. I want to have you back.
Anytime I think or have to explain, I tell myself that it's some sick, twisted nightmare. That I'll wake up soon and call you and you'll pick up the phone. That I'll share this nightmare with you, and you'll reassure me that you're still here.
I know it's not a nightmare, but I'm trying my hardest not to cry. At this point, I'm using any excuse so that I don't cry. I just don't want to face the reality that you're actually gone.
I hope you have fun dancing in the sky.
