I couldn't tell you when it all started happening. I can tell you it's been a while.
For years, I've wished I could be anyone else.
I feel like I love too hard. Well, I do. I come off too strong. I get too close as to where people get annoyed with me. I get too attached. I can tell people are pissed off with me, I just can't fix it. When I was little, I was told it was a good thing I was so happy and used to physical touch. Now, it just feels forced and cold.
I did it too much. I overdo a lot, and it pushes people away.
I feel bad because I know people don't like it. I wish I could stop. I feel like I can't, though. Too many people told me it was amazing. All I wanted to be then was perfect. Then I screwed it up.
I did it too much. I made people uncomfortable.
That shoved me down because I started realizing that people didn't like it. Something I forced myself to do for years was worthless.
People don't like it, and for years, I've been trying to get out of the habit, but I'm stuck.
I don't like it.
I see the looks people give me. They don't feel right.
I either talk too much or talk about the wrong things. I feel excluded. I realize everyone in the room is talking but me. People joke that I look sad, and I laugh it off because I have to be happy, right?
Everyone will talk to each other unless I'm the last option. I usually feel like the last option.
I've tried so hard to fit in. It's kind of hard to do that when you're me, though. I was raised by older parents. The people who kept me were my grandparents and a lady the age of my grandparents. The oldest person in our church is ninety-four. The youngest is forty-seven, not counting me.
They raised me on old music. It was always normal to give a stranger a kiss on the cheek. Hug your friends every day.
I wear clothes that seem too old for me. That's because they are. I'm too tall, I'm too wide. I can't wear the stuff for my age.
I've tried to change so many things about me, and I'm getting tired of it.
I wish people would realize that when it looks like I'm crying, I actually am crying.
I wish I was someone else.
