Maybe wishing that Layton would respond to me is wishful thinking.
I miss him, and he's still here. How weird.
How dumb.
It's not my fault. It's his.
I just wish he would acknowledge my existence. He acts like I'm an inconvenience.
I can't be.
Fifteen years apart. Fifteen.
He doesn't care.
Layton doesn't care about me at all.
You know what makes it worse? His friends kid is the same age as me. He has her over at his house more than me.
Layton could care less.
If she has something, he'll go. If I have something, he's out of state.
It hurts even more to know that she's actually really nice.
Sometimes, I wish he would treat me the way he treats other people's kids.
I'm tired of feeling left out in places. I'm tired of always feeling like a last resort. I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of people making plans with me for the other people that will be there. They make it feel like I'm not enough.
Well, that's probably because I'm not.
Sometimes, I wish I'd speak up for myself. I'm tired of my feelings being completely disregarded.
And you know what's funny? I don't think half the people I know know I feel like they just... hate me or something.
I can't tell them. It'll push them away. That's why I have no boundaries.
Is that healthy? No. Probably not.
But I just wish I was open enough so that people could tell when I don't like something.
I've tried to explain to people why I don't like it. But they just disregard it completely and keep on.
Maybe wishful thinking is wishing I was enough.
Maybe it's wishing Layton actually cared.
Maybe it's wishing people could actually understand me.
Maybe it's wishing that certain jokes didn't make me want to cry.
Maybe it's wishing that Mom would understand that I have so many disorders that my mind isn't right. I don't understand why anyone would want to do it either. I don't want to. I can't help doing it.
I wish she wouldn't yell at me for it. Taking away things because of it won't help either. I don't know why she doesn't understand that.
Maybe it's wishing that I could be a stronger person.
But it won't happen.
Because I'm not that kind of person.
I only push for the people I care about.
I could disregard myself completely.
I only want what's best for the people I love.
I would let anything I wish for not come true if it made someone I cared about happy.
I guess that means Layton won't answer.
I guess that means I won't see my other brother for a long while.
I miss you both.
And now we're to the end of the chapter. The one where the old southern guy says, "Now that just ain't right."
