If you ever wonder what someone is scared to lose, take a look at their camera. I remember I used to have almost nothing on my camera roll. It was just there.
I've taken more pictures since what happened. I'm scared of losing people. I wake up every morning wondering who the next funeral I attend will be for. I'm thirteen. Why am I thinking about that?
Because I can't help it. I hate that you get no warning of how much time you have left with someone.
I've taken more and more pictures so that I can see how things once were. Last week, I stayed in Arkedelphia for a few days with some friends. We went to band camp there. I think it's safe to say I took more pictures there than I ever have.
I'm scared of losing the slight happiness I had there. I figured out that I could be happy. I just had to find some good.
I feel guilty for being happy.
I really feel guilty about writing this. I don't want anyone to see it, really. I'm scared they would think it's inappropriate. I wish I had some kind of coping mechanism inside, so I didn't feel so awful.
I'm sorry.
