Someone told me that I had a lot more bad coming and that I was just a baby. But it can't get worse than losing a friend. And you were just a baby, too.
You were going to turn nineteen in August. You were barely an adult. Did you really have to go?
I saw an Instagram post yesterday. It was the one right before they had found out about you. They left you with 'Don't die, dude'.
I miss having you around. I took advantage of having around when I didn't text you. I want to treat every day like it's my last with everyone now. Because it really could be.
I should be telling everyone I love them, but it feels so hard to do when I know I didn't say that to you one last time. I want to tell them, so it's not even harder to say if this happens again.
I don't really know how to explain, but it feels like you've been reading these.
I hope you have. You've been missed by so many people, and I think you deserve to know that.
I keep hearing songs that remind me of you. And I don't know what to do now. I don't want to fight it, but it makes me feel so weak that only a few words and sounds can make me break down crying.
I've gone to your Instagram page so many times in the last four days. I like hearing you sing. My personal favorite is 'Nothing'. I don't think it has to be a romantic song. That song describes the way I feel. If I had the option, I'd want to be doing nothing with you. Just if it meant I would get to see you again.
I thought about when we met last night. You had been so excited when you found out my birthday. It was one of your favorite days. You used to do the September edits. Remember?
I've been hearing about so many deaths, and I had been expecting someone close to me being next, I just never expected it to be you.
This nightmare is starting to make me sick. I'm half expecting to wake up throwing up at any time. I just hope it's soon.
I feel so done waiting to wake up, but it just won't speed up. I don't know what I can do to make this go by any faster. Everything's I try just doesn't work.
I know deep down it isn't a nightmare. But denial feels like the best way to go here.
I know that after denial comes anger in the stages of grief, so I'm just going to put that off as long as I can. I don't want to be angry at you. You don't deserve that.
I'm going back to all of your socials. I want to get all the pictures of you because I don't want them to be gone. I don't know what your family plans to do, but I can't see them deleting your posts. But then again, I didn't see you dying either.
One day, I know I'm going to be told to move on. That it happened in the past. And yeah, maybe so, but that doesn't make it any better.
Did you know 'Puffs' was going to be your last performance? I tried to get mom to take me, but she wouldn't. I wanted to see you.
They don't have your memorial arrangements set up yet.
You used to make fun of me for my Playlist, the 'weird 1900s music' I haven't listened to it since you left.
Remember how we were kids in band and not band kids? You used to say we weren't the nerds band kids were. You were kind of right. We were worse, though. Nothing screams more nerd than knowing all the words to the Charlotte's web soundtrack.
Remember rapping Hamilton? I miss that, too. I really didn't think you could. I think you surprised yourself, too.
I played at a competition yesterday. We were in the same section. That didn't help my crying. Our band got a first division. I know you'd have been so proud.
Does it really get worse? Can it get worse than losing you? I don't think it can. Maybe that's just because I miss you being around to talk.
I miss you. I want to hear you laugh again.
Maybe then I'll laugh, too.
Do you remember racing on prop duty? I should've just let you win and have the sign.
I'm getting quieter. I don't really have much to say, but people are scared of saying the wrong thing to me now. I don't really mind it. I like the quiet, but I don't want people to be so scared to just talk to me.
You were just a baby too.
