"I had all and then most of you some, and now none of you." I feel like if I look close, I can see this pretty clearly in both of us.
I had all and then most of you.
That line refers to when we first met. Neither of us were really introverted then, so it was so easy to keep a conversation flowing. We had a lot to talk about. There were introductions, talking about school, talking about dance talking about life. I had all of you then.
Life was easy then. There wasn't a care in the world about either of our futures because I still had seven years left until I really had to worry about it. You had two. You didn't seem very worried about it then. All the time I knew you, you had just been a happy go lucky guy.
I don't think I would've made it through the show if it wasn't for you and the rest of that amazing cast. I was happy then, I was just terrified. I didn't know what I was doing. It seemed I had all of you that first show. I had lived happily then. You had had all of me.
All of you slowly went into most of you. During our last show together, Charlotte's web, something felt off, but I just assumed it was because you were graduating that year. All I had wanted to do was make you laugh when I was around you. Safe to say, I succeeded.
I feel awful because of the fact that a lot of time was spent on someone who it shouldn't have been spent on. And I hate it. You only had most of me when you should've had all of me. I feel awful that I put most of the cast aside.
I remember in that show, me and you and my 'little lamb' would sit on the bench behind the fence and act like we were sleeping. Anytime Avery Arable was pretending to be Wilbur just made you laugh so hard. "Look, Ma! I can be a pig, too!" You started laughing, and you were trying so hard not to, but you laughing made me start laughing.
I remember the time I managed st screw up one of my lines really bad during a rehearsal, so you changed your line to annoy me. I was trying to get you to go to the fair with Charlotte and Wilbur by saying that there were 'candy apples and frozen custard.' Well, that's not what I wound up saying. I said, "The fair is a rats paradise! Frozen apples, candy custard wait..." Everybody just started laughing at that. And then you said, "I don't think I know what frozen apples or candy custard is, but yeah, I'll go, I guess."
I had most of you that show. And honestly, you had most of me.
Some and now none of you.
The first time I noticed that you were getting a little drained, was at the Matilda audition. It was honestly kind of hard to notice. I've been thinking about it so much recently that I'm starting to see it. The tired eyes especially. I remember our last interaction was fake flirting.
As a joke, every now and then I'd call you 'Ti amo' or 'Mon amor.' I wish I could still do that and you answer back with something dorky like you always would.
I hate that then we were both to some of each other.
But now, you're gone. I have none of you. And if I'm being honest, I'm scared everyone else has none of me. Anytime someone asks how I am, it's the same lie every single time. "I'm okay." I know very well I'm not, I just don't want anyone else to. I don't want them to look at me with pity.
I want to go back to when we first met.
I want this nightmare to end.
I want to have a happy life again, just like that little fifth grader I was when we met.
But dear don't you know, no one's entitled to a happy life?
