There has to be something wrong with me. There has to be. Maybe my subconscious is stupid. Maybe that's what it is.
I didn't want to dream about waking up from this nightmare, I wanted to actually wake up.
I hate when my mind does this. Sometimes, it gives me two dreams a night. It makes me think I was awake and went back to sleep after a full day. It's never gone as far as to get my hopes up this bad.
He was at the airport. He was alive. We had a conversation. He told me he wasn't dead. He told me that he had become sort of like a Lazurus story. That they had found a way to bring him back. He told me that dream him was real. He told me he was done with school and he wasn't going back to New York. He was staying in our hometown.
I believed it. I was so happy. I thought I had finally gotten out of this. I wish it was true.
I hate this so much. Why did it make me think I had gone back to sleep? Why did it make me think he was here. I hate whatever universe I fell asleep in that I can't escape, but I know he doesn't belong in this one.
I want to go back to the old one. I wish I didn't go to sleep May first. Maybe then I wouldn't be stuck in this nightmare. It all went down the second.
Maybe if I had stayed awake, I wouldn't even have to think about any of this.
I've been doing horribly all day. That dream messed me up. The thing is, I'm sure that it's going to start reoccurring. I don't know how long I can go with this without completely losing myself.
I don't mean that in a way most people would think. I mean, it's not all that uncommon for people to die young. We just bury them in their old age.
I've been diagnosed with depression coming around seven-ish years. I'm turning fourteen in September. You do the math. My point in saying that connects to the paragraph above. With the way I've dealt with it, every single day, I feel parts of me drifting away. I don't know how to slow it down. I don't think I can.
I hate that I actually believed I had woken up. I don't know how to trust my mind anymore. I know the second it happens again, I'm going to believe it. I'm going to believe it because I've tried so hard to make it back out of this nightmare. I've tried so hard. Looking back, I shouldn't have believed it. He looked like him by his facial features, but he was too vivid.
I shrugged that off. Why would I think of that when I have my brother back? I see it now. He didn't look right. Honestly, I'd rather him look like that than the deathly colors that were clear on his skin when he was in the casket.
I want to see him the way he really looks. His amazing features.
I feel terrible right now. I don't want to tell anyone else about this because it's going to annoy them. This is eating me alive. I feel like telling someone would make them want to stay away from me. Because, even though this can't be real, shouldn't I have gotten over this already?
Maybe I'm broken. Maybe that's why I'm stuck here. Maybe that's why I can't wake up. Maybe that's why I'm stuck in this loop. Maybe that's why I couldn't stop this.
I should have texted him. There had to have been something I could've done.
Somebody wake me up for real. I can't deal with another one of those dreams. Get me out of this nightmare. Nightmares shouldn't last this long. I should've woken up by now.
Why am I still asleep? Why can't I get up? Why?
There must be something wrong with me. For years, I've tried to save everyone. How did I miss that he was struggling? I should have been able to tell. Why do I have to hear that it's too late now? He's still alive. He has to be. He can't die.
I hate the fact that it's possible for me to close my eyes and be able to see one of my friends, a brother at that, in a casket. I hate how clear it is.
I'm scared of seeing the severe discoloration that I saw in the casket in a dream. I think I'm too scared to see the way he actually looks in a dream. I'm scared that I'm never going to see him again. Somehow, that's worse.
I want to see him again, but I want it to be real. Sometimes, if I'm by myself, I can feel a presence. He used to have a very specific atmosphere around him. That atmosphere comes around with the presence when it's there. I like to think he's visiting sometimes.
Sometimes, it's like I can hear his voice. I always respond when I hear it. I find myself having conversations with what feels like is him. I must seem pretty insane to other people. But to me, it's like talking to anyone else. Except I can't see him.
I really don't want him to go away. I like having him around. I'm a little scared I'm hallucinating. I wouldn't be surprised. My subconscious seems to hate me.
But is it too much to ask for it to wake me up for real?
When can I see my brother again?
Is it impossible?
Can I please wake up?
I miss my brother.
