I've been stuck in this nightmare a month. A whole month. I hate this. I hate it all. I want to wake up so bad, but at this point, it seems impossible.
Nightmares shouldn't last a month.
I'm seeing comments on some of your posts saying,'It doesn't feel real.' And no, it doesn't. Because it can't be. It can't be real.
Not the man who was made of stars and sunshine.
I want to curl up and hide. I wish I was younger. I don't remember much from then. Maybe if this had happened when I was younger, I wouldn't think about it all the time. Maybe I wouldn't remember.
That was stupid.
Of course I would remember. How could I not? How could I ever forget?
I don't want to forget, but I want to be happy. But you weren't. And I really wish you had told me. I wish you had. Because I would have talked to you about it.
You aren't gone. You can't be. I'm going to wake up soon. I have to. This can't be real.
I don't know how to do any of this. Cope. Because every time I think about it, I feel tears. And they don't stop.
I have no clue what I'm doing, and honestly, this is the worst. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to close myself off. I can't. That's not what I need.
Words are coming so hard to me right now. Because all I can think about is how much I want to wake up and give you a hug. This hurts too much.
I've seen more and more posts about you. I don't know how to deal with it. I won't look at them until I'm home. And even then, as soon as I see it, I go to my room. I don't like people seeing me cry. But you already knew that.
I hate this.
I'm paying more attention to the sunsets than anything. You love them. Those and stars. I hate that now you help paint them.
It hurts to be able to do anything. I hate doing things in a world where you aren't anymore.
I have so much anger in me right now. I don't really know where it's directed, but it's not at you.
You said one time, "It never really occurred to me, that I may never see these people again." I didn't really think too hard about that because you can't stay away from us for too long. We'd be bugging you so much you'd be forced to come back.
You've gone to where we can't bug you, I guess. I guess I really wasn't going to get to see you again. Not for a while anyway.
I hate this more than anything.
But I miss you more than anything.
I hate the world, but I love you.
I miss you, big brother.
I love you.
