I'm sick of hearing 'I'm so sorry for your loss'
That doesn't bring him back.
Nothing can. He's really gone.
I think the worst part is knowing that. Knowing that he isn't going to be there in the next show. I'd like to say that my hope for that has run out. That I've given in and thrown in the towel. I haven't.
This has to be some sick nightmare that's trapping me. He can't really be gone, can he?
He can't. Not when those hands in the casket looked so cold. Not when he himself looked so pale and lifeless laying there. That wasn't him. That was something. It couldn't have been him.
He wasn't smiling. I don't guess he should've been. But I have never ever seen him with a straight face the entire time I knew him.
Can something so dull really be him? It doesn't make sense. Someone who was so happy and sarcastic and funny. Was that really him in the casket?
I saw a quote today that reminded me of him. "I passed the hardest moments alone while everyone thought I was fine." Was that how he felt?
I feel like maybe I'm obsessing like mom says I am. But really, I feel like I can't help it.
I was told that I had lost a brother. But that thing in the casket wasn't that brother. That thing is trying to tear me apart on the inside, saying that maybe he faked his death and that he's still out there somewhere.
He's not. I can tell myself all I want that that wasn't him, but at the end of the day, it was.
The way they had him holding the blood red rosary was unnatural. It didn't fit his person at all. He wasn't a red person. He was anything but that.
I'm obsessing because how can that be him? It can't. He can't die on us. Not yet.
He was supposed to stay a mentor for so many more kids he isn't going to meet. He was supposed to stick around for more shows.
Maybe I'm just making this worse by saying that he isn't gone. Maybe delusion isn't the best way to go here.
But he can't really be gone.
