I feel like I'm going insane. I feel like I'm just falling.
I've managed to stress myself out by thinking about it and then stressing myself out even more about it because I'm scared that I'm bothering other people about thinking about it. I'm scared other people are annoyed at me for taking so long to get over it.
I hate that what happened is even an option. If it wasn't, I'd still have my brother. If it wasn't, my panic attacks wouldn't be as bad. I hate this nightmare. I hate that I can't do anything about it.
I feel like I've gotten to a point where my eyes start to do that thing where they show no emotion. I smile, but my eyes just stay at a state where you can't see anything.
I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like maybe I shouldn't talk because I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know how to explain that I'm doing horribly without actually saying it.
I don't want to tell people how I'm doing. I don't want them to know. I don't want people to see how much I've been tearing myself apart.
I should be able to control this, shouldn't I? I've dealt with death before. Maybe this one's different because I actually got a chance to get close to him.
I wish I could do something. I don't want to stay in the world where I lost a brother at his own hand.
Does everyone else think I'm crazy for not being over it yet? Are they getting sick of my grief?
I'm so tired. I don't know what from, but I don't seem to be doing much these days to make me tired.
I've been put on antidepressants since. It feels awful. It feels like for ten minutes, I'll do alright, but then it all just goes back to normal. I'm tired again, and I'm so worked up. I'm scared of my mind because of all the things that circle it. It seems like I start crying so much just thinking about it.
How do you wake up from something like this? I want my brother back so bad it feels like it's clawing at my skin.
My mind is holding me at gunpoint, begging me to bring back all the people I've lost. It misses my brother too.
I wish I had been able to have one last conversation with him, at least.
I wish I had called him that morning. Delayed it, maybe. I wish that I could've heard your voice again. This feeling inside of me is awful.
I'm scared.
