I think I've honestly been trying to block this out. It worked a little too well because the second someone mentions the fact that he's dead, it comes flooding back to me. I feel terrible.
I can't accept it. How could I? It's impossible to accept the fact that I have a friend dead. I won't. This isn't real. Why am I still here? I was supposed to leave ages ago. I feel like I'm in a coma, and I just want to wake up.
I don't want to be stuck in a rut, but I don't want to move on like everything's all hunky dory. It's not. I hate life. I just shove it down so no one can tell.
I don't want to hate life. Don't they say life is worth the living at church? I hate that I can't find that worth. It's not that I want to die, I just want to feel worthy of living.
I want to live and not be in pain. Isn't that funny? Pain is for joints and scrapes. Pain isn't for broken people and screwed up lives, right?
I don't want to be in pain anymore.
I miss him.
