Today was honestly just kind of hard. I've been everywhere but the present. I feel like I've been grasping at threads in my mind. I'm going blank, but there's so much there.
I'm in such a battle with myself, just trying to escape this nightmare. It's been two months. I feel like I'm tearing at the seams. I miss him so much. That's kind of weird to me since, all in all, I didn't know him very long. There must be something else. Well, there is, I just don't know what it is.
Even though I only knew him a few years, I would give anything to get to speak to him. I took advantage of having the time I had with him. I didn't appreciate it enough. I thought we had enough time. In the end, we all think we have time. I hate to break it to you, Mon Ange, but no. We have very little time.
That's what kills me the most. I lost him, now who else? I didn't recognize it this time. Who's to say it won't happen again?
Life feels surreal. Riding in the car by the funeral home is awful. I don't look at that side of the road. I won't. I don't want to see it even after two months. I won't face that side of the road. I can't look at the funeral home knowing I had to see a friend in a casket there.
My vision is sort of reflecting my life. It's getting duller and more lifeless by the day. The colors weren't as vivid as they once were. It almost feels like my worst moments have the most vivid images. I can still picture him in the casket perfectly.
I really want to ask him why. I feel like I need to know. It wouldn't make a difference even if I did, but I want to know what went through his mind.
What happened?
Is it too much to ask even God to bring a friend back? A brother? I wish I didn't take the time I had with him for granted. I really do.
I'm trapped. It feels like I am. I feel like this is the only place I can speak truthfully even if I leave parts out.
A word to him, I am so sorry I didn't text you that morning. Even if it wouldn't have made a difference. I want to tell you that I really do love you, my brother. I had worked so hard to hide it the past couple of years that I had a crush on you a few years back. I wish I had told you about it when I had gotten over you. I think that would definitely have given you another reason to tease me.
I'm sorry Mon ange, je ti'ame.
