I've had a day that feels like it's been utter chaos. Some may call it an overreaction, but it's honestly kind of hard to go to a town I've called my home for the last three years.
I don't want to go in places I know you've been in. I don't want to run into people we are friends with. The last time they saw me, I was a wreck.
I'm trying to laugh so I don't end up crying.
I'm scared because I don't know if anyone is ever going to see the extent of what's behind my eyes. I keep covering it up. I'm scared of myself.
I don't want to talk to people because I either get "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "Do this, it'll help you forget about them," but I don't want sympathy and I really don't want to forget you.
I don't know what happened today, but it was bad. The city we called home for so long made me sick to my stomach. I want to be able to go there and not collapse as soon as I get to the house.
I don't know how to say half the stuff I want to say. It's hard, you know? Just driving a little ways down the road where they held the funeral sets me off.
I had been disappointed I didn't make it in Matilda. Now, I am so glad I didn't. I don't know if I could've handled it.
I'm not ready for my next show. It'll be my first show without you even just being in the theater. You won't be in the group chat. You won't be our spot. You won't be in the audience.
You'll be watching it from heaven.
I'm scared.
You were always the one to calm me down before a show. I would have never admitted it to anyone but you, but yeah, that stage fright is awful.
I don't want to do any of the calming exercises without you. It feels wrong.
I feel like there's something wrong with me right now. Because I'll do fine for a little bit, but then I just start crying. There's a little voice in the back of my mind saying, "All right, what is it now?"
Sometimes, when I start crying, somebody will call for me. I'm in my room so they don't know. All I have to do is blink, and the tears are gone.
I can do it for just about anyone now.
I don't know when the thing that feels like it's using me as a jump rope will quit, but I'm ready.
I'm sick of this nightmare.
