dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - worthless toy

(tw, details of rape and sexual assault)
travis
as i rushed home after school, i struggled not to bump into anyone after the incident earlier, even though i knew there wouldn't be a consequence since i was outside of school. i tried my hardest not to be late, rushing past people and lightly pushing people out of the way. i most likely looked like an idiot running home, but i'd rather look like an idiot than get beaten.

i quickly unlocked the door, coming face to face with my father.
"hm. you're on-time. well done travis."
i let out a sigh of relief as i stepped past him and walked into the living room.
"travis."
i turned my head slowly.
"yes father?"
"i'm proud of you for punching that little fag in the face earlier."
i nodded, smiling weakly. i don't know wether him being proud of me was what i wanted, knowing it wouldn't stick anyway, or actually having friends. punching people to make my father proud isn't me.

i can't handle acting this way anymore, i feel terrible, and the shame of it swallows me more than my true identity.

larry
i stepped in through my doorway, realising my mother wasn't home, thankfully. the tears started to prickle at my eyes as i dragged myself to my bedroom, lying down weakly on my covers. i huddled my pillow close to my chest, letting the tears flow. why i was crying? i really don't know. maybe it's the feeling of guilt or just me feeling bad. or maybe it's that feeling i get every so often.

sometimes all i truly want is to disappear. not to be happy, not to be loved, just to disappear. sometimes it randomly hits me, or sometimes something causes it, but often it's just the reoccurring feeling of being treated as if i was nothing but a worthless toy.

i've never told anyone what happened to me. not even my mom. the feeling of peoples hands on me, men and women, taking advantage of me just because i wanted to be helped. just because i wanted to be loved. but it seemed i was never enough for that. sometimes the absence of true love hurts me. in the times where i'm alone and hurting, it really hurts knowing i've never been anything to anyone, not a lover, not even a date, just a worthless sex toy.