dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - soup

larry
the patterns on my ceiling somewhat warped my brain as i took in another hit of my blunt. travis hated when i smoked but he didn't say much, he just made sure i didn't get too far in over my head. he would sit beside me, taking the blunt from my hands after i had smoked too many. after that he would tuck me into bed and treat me like a baby. i guess i was a baby, at that point in time i mean. i couldn't do anything but lie there and giggle about anything infront of me. my whole body would tremble and i could barely grip anything.

he took the blunt from my hand, blowing it out and chucking it out of the window beside us.
"hey! i wasn't done!"
i scowled and looked out of the window, the blunt on the wet grass.
"that's £5 on the grass right there!"
i folded my arms as he stood up with a smile on his face.
"sorry, but you've had too much. you can have some another time. get up."
he peered down at me as i sat still on the floor, staring at him through my eyelashes.
"laramie."
he put both of his hands under my armpits and hoisted me up so i was stood still.
"ugh. my legs hurt."
he put me on the bed and shrugged.
"well, you've been smoking quite a bit. i'm not surprised your body is achey."
i scoffed. he was definitely right.

i continued to stare at my ceiling, the feeling slowly wearing off. i was glad though. sometimes smoking weed made me incredibly paranoid and scared. i hated what that shit did to my head but i couldn't stay away from it. i need to find a new addiction that isn't weed, coke, self harm or drinking. maybe i shouldn't find a new addiction at all.

"are you feeling a bit better?"
i nodded and turned my head to the blanket, where my arms were placed on top of. my fingers were getting less steady.
"okay. good."
i didn't respond but he probably noticed the same thing as me.
"i'll go and get you something to eat. give me a minute."
he kissed me on the cheek before leaving. i almost couldn't feel it. my whole body was numb and cold.

he came back in soon after, holding a bowl and spoon in his hands.
"i um.."
he looked at my hands then back at me.
"just open your mouth."
this is what i mean when he treats me like a baby. i can't feed myself either. not like i eat after smoking, but travis made me so i wouldn't get scared during the night like i sometimes did, if i didn't have enough in my system.

he started to feed me the soup, putting the spoon in my mouth before slowly pulling it out after a few seconds.
"is it too hot?"
i shook my head and took the bowl from his hands.
"are you sure you can eat by yourself yet?"
probably not, but i felt bad making him do all my dirty work.
"yeah. don't worry."
i held the spoon in my hand like a child, my palm wrapped around the entire handle. my wrist started to shake before i could even reach the bowl.
"give it back. you know you can't."
he took the bowl back from me as he started to feed it to me again. hm.

"so um.. travis."
he hummed, taking a sip from the soup himself.
"i missed you."
he smiled sweetly and held the spoon to my face, waiting for me to open my mouth.
"i missed you too. i'm glad i'm back."
i opened my mouth, letting him put the spoon in.
"you know.. i never thought this would happen."
i felt the same. it was strange.

"me too. is something up?"
he shrugged and put the bowl on his lap.
"why are you asking? i didnt even say anything that would suggest that."
i shrugged back.
"i know there's something wrong now. if there's something you want to talk about then tell me."
he breathed out through his nose and let go of the spoon, the metal scraping against the glass.
"well.. i don't know. i guess.. well i'm just not attractive. i'm really awkward and i just.. well. i hate myself."
the only part i knew was true was him hating himself. although he tried to hide it i could see it in his eyes when he looked in the mirror or when he stood in a group of people he thought were better than him in some way. i wish he could understand that nobody feels that way but him, and if someone does feel that way towards him, it doesn't matter.