dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - complicated

travis
i had forgotten that larry had told me we can't be friends at school, and i went up to him in the middle of the day and waved at him, which made his other friends take offence to it. sal didn't know what was happening, ashley was about to kill me, and todd just looked disgusted. i could see that larry felt bad but he just acted the same as ashley.
"don't you have something better to do?"
ashley was stood in front of my face, pointing at me and spitting all over me as she screamed at me.
"shut up, bitch! i wasn't talking to you!"
which was a stupid thing to say since i hadn't actually said a word to them up until that point.

i eventually just walked away as their words just pissed me off and i couldn't deal with it, but it also upset me that larry didn't want to talk to me in school since he didn't want backlash from his friends. i mean i guess it was fine, but not really. it was like he's ashamed of me, but it doesn't really matter anyway since we're only just friends, if that.

any time he sat next to me throughout the day he would just ignore me if any of his friends were in the room. i gave up soon enough, pulling his number out of my pocket that he gave me a few days ago.

'why don't you want to be friends with me in public?'
he started to type around 5 minutes later.
'i'm sorry, i really am. my friends would absolutely kill me if they knew we were friends.'
'but why don't you just explain it to them? i'm sure they would understand. you know i really want to be friends with you but you won't let me.'
'i'm sorry travis i really can't.'
i turned around, watching him stuff his phone back in his pocket. he looked at me for a moment before turning back to face the teacher again.

i tapped out a message on my phone again, being careful not to be caught.
'if you can't be friends with me in public then we can't be friends at all'
i stared nervously down at the screen.
'fine.'
i really thought he might care, even a little bit. but he looked completely unphased at the fact i didn't want to see him anymore. i guess i never really meant anything to him in the first place, yet i already knew so much about him so it just felt wrong.

when i arrived home after school that day i knew i would be absolutely murdered. wearing someone else's clothes, loosing my choir robe, disappearing for a night, i knew i wouldn't see the light of day again. and that almost did happen to me, all because larry didn't want to loose his friends.

i couldn't do anything but lie there. that's all i did and all i could do after i had received one of the worst beatings of my life. my sister was just like him, she didn't seem to care either. no matter what she did she always got away with it because she was a 'perfect golden child' and i always tried too hard to be like her too. we were twins, and despite that she was always better than me, and she was always the favourite. she hasn't been hit once.

she looks exactly like me, just female. long, straight, blonde hair, green eyes, perfect face and perfect for everyone. that would've been me if my father hadn't fucked my face, my body and my heart to pieces. when my mother died my father would only comfort her no matter how much i cried and begged for her back knowing she was gone forever. i only ever saw her cry once.

i stumbled to my feet, using the edge of my bed to pull myself up until i was stable enough to balance. the wounds larry had patched for me just became broken and bleeding again like they were before. i don't understand how someone could ditch me so quickly. i guess it was my fault.

even if larry hated me so fast i would never tell anyone what he told me the night before. it broke me i almost wanted to help him in every way i could buy it would've never meant anything in the end.

i had been standing blankly in the middle of my room, my knees shaking every few seconds as i struggled to keep myself at my feet. i don't even know why i had brought myself up, so i lent back down onto the floor again and tucked my feet lightly to my chest, huddling my knees. i felt my phone buzz in the pocket that i was lying on, so i had to painfully roll over to pull it out.

'wrong number.'
i saw the previous message for a split second before larry had deleted it. it was along the lines of 'i still want to be friends with you, i'm sorry about how i acted today, i just don't want to loose my friends'
he most likely deleted it out of embarrassment or he sent it on accident, either way i knew it was directed at me. i decided not to respond anyway as it was a huge waste of time and i knew he wouldn't want to see me anyway. either way, it wasn't even a nice message since all he cared about was having friends instead of helping me. not like i cared anyway.

i slept on my bedroom floor that night since i couldn't move at all. in the middle of the night i threw up blood all over the carpet, which was probably from the kicking to my stomach. i wish my father understood how much i was hurting, but he could never see past the fact that i'm not perfect, just like his daughter. i wish i could be.

every part of me was in pain when i woke up, it was either aching or throbbing still. my gums and the insides of my cheeks had been bleeding throughout the night from my father punching me in the face and pushing my braces out of place. he would never take me to get them fixed so i just had to deal with it.

the walk to school was just as painful, and i ended up having to take a break a few times since my arms and legs were in so much pain and i thought i would pass out, or have an asthma attack, maybe even a seizure which only really happens when i'm extremely overwhelmed or something like that. it's not really noticeable, either way i didn't want any of them to happen, especially because larry still had my inhaler somewhere in his house that i couldn't even go up to him to ask for it back.

i had given up with trying to talk to larry as there wasn't any use, no matter now many times he looked over at me i never looked back.

larry
i really couldn't hold back the fact i felt so bad for travis and abandoning him, so i just spilled everything i knew to them, what had happened that night and what travis had been through. every bit about his dad, his home life, what we did together, how i felt about him, everything. surprisingly ashley, who hated travis the most, believed me. and she genuinely seemed to care.
"you.. you really do seem to care about him larry but.. are you sure that's how you feel? so quickly?"
"he just cares the way nobody else does, even if he does hate me he still cared about how i felt. nobody else has ever shown that feeling."
she nodded, turning to todd and sal.
"what do you guys think?"

"i mean.. i spoke to travis awhile ago and he told me he didn't hate us. i suppose that's good enough for me. i can tell he feels sorry."
todd spoke up the second sal finished.
"i forgive him, but if he can't prove he's different i'll change my mind."
it was harsh but understandable.
"why don't we just talk to him?"
i was surprised ashley was so eager and forgiving. but that would be difficult since he doesn't exactly like me anymore. we had spoke about it at lunch, and he was only a few tables over, so it would be easy enough to try now, but i didn't expect her to actually do it.

she sat down at his table, looking directly into his eyes and squinting.
"hi travis."
he put his fork down and scowled.
"what? i'm not even bothering you. i'm literally leaving you alone. what did i do now?"
her gaze softened and she turned to us then back at him.
"listen i'm just here to talk to you. larry told me everything. i know what you're going through, okay? we all forgive you."
"is this some kind of joke?"
he slammed his tray onto the table and stood up.
"stop mocking me and piss off!"
he looked over to me, his stare almost piercing my skin.
"i never ever should've came to your house that day. i wish i stayed bleeding. i wish i died that night and i wish i would never ever have to see the light of day ever again."
as he walked away, i felt my heart break.
"i tried, larry."

for a few minutes i stared blankly at the table, holding back the tears of pure guilt and frustration of what i did to travis, or rather made him feel. everyone was trying to speak to me but i couldn't hear anything due to my thoughts taking over my head. i felt truly fucking awful, knowing i would most likely never experience anything with travis again, and that he would have an absolutely awful life, all because of me.