dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - travis

larry
after the ghost incident travis wanted nothing more but to sleep. i wish i knew why. it was like he was scared of being awake. he stayed wrapped in the comfort of his blanket. well, my blanket. his eyes shut and his body curled up into a tight ball beside me. as i watched him shuffle around in front of me i had a question itching to be answered in my head.

"can i ask you a question travis?"
he didn't move, speaking as if he pretended to be asleep.
"yea. what's up?"
he opened his eyes, squinting up at me as the lights were too bright.
"do you want me to turn the lights off?"
him shielding his eyes told me the answer. i stood up, flicking off the lights and watching his eyes slowly open in the dim light from the window. i think i blew my opportunity to ask.
"you didn't want to ask to turn the lights off so what's wrong?"
as i opened my mouth to speak i felt the question hitch in my throat. i didn't know what the problem was. i had already told him i love him, so why couldn't i do this?

"i uh.."
it's harder than i thought.
"larry as i've said so many times before i'm not going to judge you. i swear."
he's like a mind reader.
"can i ask you a little bit later? i just.. need to think a little."
travis never said no when i needed time. or space. or for him to stay and not leave my side at all. that's why i wanted this. that's why i wanted him to be my boyfriend.

i lay there still, watching the imaginary stars on my ceiling. knowing travis was there was so much better. i kept rewinding answers and questions in my head over and over again, like it was the "i love you" incident all over again. even if i said i loved him saying i wanted to be his boyfriend could ruin everything. i doubt it would, but i hate taking risks.
"laramie?"
he spoke from the gaps inbetween the blanket, being shuffled closer to me than before.
"can i ask you something?"
i couldn't help but think he might be asking me the question instead. i was wrong. in a good way, kind of.
"can i hug you?"
although i didn't mind if he asked or not, it still meant a lot to me that he cared to ask to do something so simple. i wonder what he's like during- um.. nevermind.

"of course. you don't have to ask to do that."
he sat up, dragging me back down with him and lying beside me. not the hug i was expecting, but i wasn't complaining.
"i just want to make sure you're okay. like, i want to keep your privacy safe. i don't want to make you uncomfortable. for.. a lot of reasons."
he tugged me forward, holding me in his arms and throwing his head over my shoulder.
"what reasons?"
he thought to himself for a moment, shuffling around until he was comfortable.
"well.. everything you've been through for one. i don't want to make you feel like that again. but i also just value your privacy too. and your personal space. the most important is all is that i care about you and how you feel. i don't want you to feel bad at all from anything i do."
i think i've found the one for me.

"aw. well, i'm glad you care so much. that means a lot to me."
he hummed, putting both hands onto my waist.
"what did you want to ask me by the way?"
i was still too scared to ask, even after what he just said. i knew he was kind enough to not make me feel bad if he did say no. so what do i have to loose?
"uh.. do you have your phone?"
he moved his head back to look at me.
"why did you want to know that?"
i smiled and shook my head, pushing hair out of my face.
"no, i want to text it to you. i'm too scared to say it out loud."

he rolled his eyes sarcastically, picking up his phone and turning it on. as i saw the reflection of the chat in his eyes, i started to secretly panic. i can't turn back now.

travis
why do u look so scared
u okay

larry
yeah yeah sorry i just don't know how to word it

travis
i'm sure ill understand
go ahead

i can't say it. it's too nerve-racking.

travis
dude it's ok
i won't force u to say it but u don't have to be scared of me
yk id never judge you

larry
okay

i saw his face from above my phone, so concentrated yet so calm at the same time. i always forgot about how travis used to be. how he used to look and feel so angry, and aggressive. i couldn't never imagined to see him with his arms wrapped around me in my clothes. if it's come this far surely it can go further.

travis
are you not ready yet?
if u want we can try again later

this is why i wanted to ask.

larry
i'm ready

i typed the message out, staring at it with my finger hovered over the send button. i had written quite a lot. but travis never cared about things like that. he only cared about me.

larry
i just wanted to say you make me feel really valued and safe and i really appreciate that after everything that happened to me, i never thought i would get to experience this and i never thought i would feel okay in a relationship ever again. for me to trust you with everything i feel like it's only right to tell you how i feel.

i sent the first message, watching his facial expression go from calm to him being bright red.

travis
that's so sweet of u
i'm glad i make you feel like that
how do you feel?

larry
do u want to be my boyfriend

i feel like i can't breathe. i edged the phone away from my face, until i could see just above my phone screen. i peered into the back of his phone, watching his fingers move across the screen.

travis
i really wanted you to ask me that
i wanted to ages ago but i was too scared to tell you
of course i want to

he put his phone down, pulling me back towards him, i didn't have time to put my phone down before he was practically suffocating me in his arms. i didn't care at all. having someone love me is all i ever wanted.