dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - i miss her

VERY IMPORTANT
please do NOT read this chapter if you find rape and abuse sensitive, as this WILL trigger you as it is very graphic. skip past the bits with bold at the start and end if you would still like to read the rest of the chapter, as it is only mentioned at the start.

travis
my feelings for larry grew even stronger as he held my hand, almost comforting me for how i truly felt. in some way he knew, but he didn't know. he didn't truly know. he thought i liked men. not a man.
"larry?"
he hummed and lifted his head slightly.
"why do you forgive your exes?"
i clearly caught him off guard slightly but he still answered. it took him a few minutes but in the end he did.
"well.. i just can't seem to hate anyone. i don't have the heart for that. if i'm being honest i.. i still miss christina. she was my girlfriend for so long. i really do miss her."
i ignored the heartbreak going through me knowing he most likely wouldn't have feelings for me too, looking at him with concern.

‼️SKIP‼️

"why do you miss her?"
i clearly triggered a sensitive subject as he slightly released the grip on my hand and shifted his gaze to the door.
"i'm sorry, you really don't have to answer that."
he shook his head gently and held my hand once more.
"i miss who she was before she took my vulnerability for granted. she clearly loved me a lot and i.. i miss that feeling more than anything. i know i wasn't the only person she loved when she was with me, and to her i was only a last resort, but being held so tight in the nights i really wanted to kill myself when i cried so much i couldn't breathe, she really proved that in some way, she cared. i really wish she didn't see the opportunity to use my vulnerability for her own benefit. when i would cry at night and struggle to keep going.. she didn't want to hug or stroke my head anymore. she said that.. maybe sex would make me feel better. i agreed a few times, and it was nice but the times i didn't, it really hurt, physically and mentally. i felt bad saying no as i didn't want her to leave me forever. she would still hold me most of the time so it was okay. but in the end she only came over to have sex with me, and torment me with the horrible things she found attractive. she would make me cut myself, she would make me scream and cry and she would beat me up repeatedly for some kind of satisfaction. she would make me cry in so many ways, she would ridicule me, hit me, make fun of how i looked, or go into depth about the awful things she wanted to do to me. i hated every time i was with her and how she would do that to me, but i never hated her, and i still don't. although she never once kissed me, i knew at the start, she really did care. if she wanted to take me back now.. i would let her. because i still love her."

‼️SKIP‼️

i listened to every word he said, not being annoyed in the slightest at how much he spoke or how he rambled about things i never asked to hear. all i felt was pure heartbreak. not that he loved her, that someone could treat such a sweet and caring person so horribly.

he started to cry, rubbing his face roughly and shaking his head.
"im sorry. i should've have said so much, i didn't mean to, it just came out."
i rubbed my fingers against his face, not caring about this hiding from my sexuality bullshit. i wiped his tears and tucked a few strands of hair behind his ears.
"i'm so sorry. you're such a kind person. you didn't deserve any of that at all, and i know you miss her but you need to let her go. she was a terrible person and nothing you tell me will make me change my mind. you didn't deserve a single bit of that and i'm so, so sorry. you deserve to be truly held, and you deserve to be kissed and treated the way you really deserve. you're such a loving person and someone needs to love you the same way you love because i promise you that's what you deserve. i've never known anyone who deserves to be happy more than you, and i'm so sorry i made you upset. i promise on my mother i will never do that again and i already regret everything horrible i've ever done to you over the years. if there's anything i can do i'll do it. i'm not saying that out of pity, i'm saying that because i really care."
he continued to cry loudly, his hands grasping mine as his face scrunched up as he sobbed infront of me.
"i- i want to be held again."
i nodded quickly and opened my arms.
"can you hold me in a certain way?"

he gently moved me where he wanted me to lay, lying to the side on his bed with my arms open as he slowly crawled into them. his head came above mine as he was higher up onto the pillow. i placed both hands on his waist and pulled him down quickly, coming face to face with him. i couldn't care less about my feelings anymore, about how i was scared of admitting who i was. i wiped his tears once more as i stared into his beautiful brown eyes, his top and bottom eyelashes coated in eyeliner and tears. we were in the same position we were in the closet. his top lip slightly touching mine, his nose pressed against my face and his eyes looking straight into mine. i took in the absolute beauty of his face, admiring every freckle and scar on his face. he had alot of freckles. like me. but his were bigger, and more spread out. mine were little and close together.

"you're so beautiful."