dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - the truth

larry
i continued to think to myself. about my relationship with him. i don't know what to do, or say. i knew he felt some kind of feeling towards me but was it love, or was it just friendly? even if i knew he didn't hate me anymore, it was still so confusing. i didn't want to just be friends. i wanted to be his boyfriend.
"larry?"
i turned my head to him.
"yeah?"
he looked into my eyes then down at the sad smile on my face.
"are you okay?"
do i tell him? i should tell him. i should just get it over with.
"well.."
just do it.
"i.."
just say it. it's not the end of the world if he doesn't like you back.
"i think i.."
or is it?
"i think i need to go to the bathroom. give me a minute."
he glanced at me with clear worry in his eyes.
"oh.. okay."

i can't believe i blew it like that. but how do i tell him. do you just say 'i love you' or does there have to be something to it? i've always made the first move, but now i just don't understand if it's right. after years of hating me, and only a few months of being my friend, would he really want that? i would make the first move again but every time i've done that it's been a mistake. wether they cheated on me or betrayed my trust completely. it's like i've always just been there to avoid loneliness. and i didn't want travis to feel the same way. but was the feeling i had for travis love or obsession?

i sat down on the toilet lid, rubbing my eyes and pushing my head into my hands. i didn't want to sulk about it because i can't just cry about everything. if i ever want travis to like me i need to man up and just get a grip. i felt my phone vibrate in my lap, making me forget about the trouble between me and travis. well, one sided trouble. i clicked on the message.

christina
hi

i thought of blocking her number. was it really her or were my feelings just making me hallucinate?

larry
christina?

sal
what?

luckily, i was only hallucinating.

larry
sorry nvm
what's up

sal
how is it going between you and travis?

i bit my lip, thinking of a possibility. if i can't tell travis, i should tell my best friend. my step brother.

larry
can i tell you something

sal
shit you two haven't like become enemies or sum have you

larry
what?
no obv not
i just need to tell you something

i almost laughed at sals weird sense of jumping to odd conclusions. he always did that. in regular, normal situations, he would always say something stupid or something that could never happen.

sal
oh my bad
yeah what's up?

larry
pls don't tell anyone
it's a secret

sal
is travis a murderer
should i call someone

he did it again. but this time, i knew it was a joke and i laughed it off.

larry
don't be silly sal
but really, pls don't tell

sal
i promise dude

i took a deep breath, typing out my feelings into a message. the whole time i barely even breathed or blinked once, breathlessly documenting my feelings about him.

larry
i'm in love with travis but i don't think he loves me. i've been in love with him for so long, and i don't know how to tell him because i don't want to ruin my friendship with him. he knows so much about me that even you don't know and i don't want to loose that. i can't see a single thing wrong with travis and i'm my eyes he's perfect and i really do love him, but i don't know how to tell him

sal typed for a few minutes after, reading my message fairly quickly.

sal
well it was kind of obvious you felt that way, but i'm glad you told me. i know it seems difficult but in my eyes i think you're the only one travis has and even if he doesn't feel the same way i think he's still going to want to be your friend, since you are providing him with a house and a safe space. if you're still too scared to tell him, i can tell him if u want me to.

as i read the message over and over again in my head, taking in what sal had said, one part caught my eye.
'you're the only one travis has'