dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - my reflection in the broken fragments of my heart

(mentions of sexual assault, self harm, suicide attempts, depression, drinking, drug use, incest, pedophelia, rape, everything of the sort. the mentions of self harm will be quite detailed)

larry
as travis slept on my bed once more i stared at myself in the mirror. the cracks in the glass as i stared became more and more deep as i did nothing but glare at my own body. a few fragments of the mirror were missing, presumably somewhere inside of my closet. a few pieces were missing. just like my heart. except a lot of pieces are missing. most pieces.

i watched my chest rise and fall, staring emotionlessly at my body. even with clothes on i wasn't built right. i hated having such thick and curvy body parts. no matter what i wore my curves still ruined everything. it's all my fault i'm hideous. with the amount of times i dragged knives across my body and the amount of food i ate it was bound to make me unattractive. it's nobody's fault but my own i looked like this.

i removed my shirt, chucking it into the empty space on my bed. i did my best to ignore his presence, knowing i would just feel sad about what he has to deal with. when i say that i mean me. all i've done to that poor boy is make him deal with my crying, my sobbing, and being around me in general. the more i stared at the person before me in the mirror the more angry i got at what i became. i miss when i used to be young and free, perfect and without blemishes at all. not a single scar on my thigh.

i was as young as 12 when this all happened. when i was touched for the first time. in that moment i thought my life was flashing before my eyes. at the time, it was by my cousin. i thought at that point it was my fault. i didn't know what happened or why it happened but i knew it wasn't normal. i also believed it couldn't happen to men, so i didn't believe it was real. after that i was touched by another man. 5 years older than me. he was 13 and i was 18. after that, it was a girl. we were both 14. then it was a man, and i experienced actual sex for the first time. and i hated every second of it, not to mention i bled absolutely everywhere. when he finished he just ran away and didn't come back. i didn't even know his name or where he came from.

after that i started cutting myself. it started off with cat scratches on my wrists, then it went to deep and cuts so painful they didn't even bleed. when my mom caught me i moved to cutting my thighs. then anywhere i could.

once that feeling wasn't enough i switched to drinking. i would drink as much as i could until i passed out or threw up all over my bedroom floor. once i got so drunk i fell over and hit my head on the side of my bedside table, giving me a terrible concussion, and i lost so much blood from my head i went braindead for about a week.

in the end that feeling wasn't enough either. so next it was drugs. meth, cocaine, ketamine, weed, tons of pills, all the shit in the world i could get my hands on. unfortunately being exposed to drugs and having them in my room where others could get to them made it so much easier for me to get raped and assaulted. then i met sal, and everything changed. well, mostly everything.

i put off drugs and alcohol, and stayed clean from hurting myself for awhile. he was the friend i always dreamed of, and the person i always wanted to be in my life. but when i got raped on my 16th birthday everything all fell down again. more like crashing down. it all started again. i went practically insane. i rotted in my bed for weeks, only getting up to get more weed or to use the bathroom. i did nothing but cry and sleep all day and all night.

i tried to kill myself too. i swallowed an entire bottle of painkillers, in addition to not eating for about 4 days straight. i threw up multiple times a day, including the pills taking their affect on me. they worked in some way, but it never killed me. i threw up probably about half of my body weight. along with being incredibly skinny i lost my ability to walk from being in my bed for ages, and with not eating anything it gave me no energy at all.