dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - 00:07

travis
it's 00:07. i've only been here for 2 days and i already can't handle it. my body hurts so badly. i can't stop crying. my wrists are bleeding. i can't get out of bed. and i miss laramie. so much.

that's why i've done all of this. i really miss him. i miss having him hold me. i miss his pretty accent and his pretty hair. his body and his pretty eyelashes. and him. i miss him. so much. i can't write about this without crying.

i wish i kissed him more. if i ever see him again i know i will. all i want to do is kiss him.

i looked at the window. i've done this once, and i can do it again. i don't care how badly i get hurt, i just have to see him.

i knelt on my window ledge. the only problem. wood. covering my whole window.

faith. faiths window.

"hi."
she turned her head, glancing at me before looking away again. i was surprised she was awake.
"hi travis. you okay?"
i stared at her, then at her window.
"what?"
she scowled at me. i saw the somewhat old faith coming out.

i hated the old faith. the emotionless staring, the aggression, everything. maybe she still felt like that or maybe she never did. i wish i could find out the answer to everything. to my mom, to faith, to my father, and to larry. they're all so confusing.

i wish i could find out the answer to myself.

i stepped over to her window, turning back to her. i stood on her window ledge. she already knew.
"travis don't-"
i kicked a hole through it. that was easier and a lot less painful than last time. but the jump probably wouldn't be.
"jesus christ!"
i did the same as i did the first time. i stepped out, clinging to the pole outside. this jump was worse. although ashley had jumped from here, i was very clumsy and could never land on my feet. it's just gravel. no grass.

"travis i can help you just don't-"
i threw myself out of the window. i landed on my hands and knees. i stood up. shit. the amount of blood pouring out of my knees was way more than last time. i could see the blood in the dirt on the floor.
"travis!"
my sister was looking out of the window. she opened her mouth to speak but she didn't. then she disappeared. it broke my heart a little bit then i remembered.

i ran. it didn't take long until i reached addison apartments. but god was it fucking painful. my face was busted up and my knees were still coated in blood, along with my skins and calves. the wind blowing in my wounds hurt more than a slap. i was covered in cuts and bruises from my dad, and everyone could see my wrists. i was still wearing larry's clothes. i looked like such a state. as if i had just escaped an insane asylum and got into a fight with edward scissor hands on the way. it was a weird analogy, but it was incredibly accurate.

i stood on the first floor. it seemed every time i got here i was taken away again. and i knew it would happen infinitely, but i don't care. as long as there's  a window to jump out of or glass to break id kick, climb, and jump my way out.

that was until i would kill myself from the amount of times i threw myself out of windows or my dad gave up. either way was okay.

i felt bad for showing up to larry's door looking like this. so i went to sals instead. which probably wasn't a good idea at all, since i looked like a bare lunatic.

some blue haired man answered the door. i recognised him, but i couldn't remember from where. he was awake too.
"um.. sal?"
i said something random.
"i jumped out of the window of my abusive dads house and i feel like i broke my legs."
sal wasn't even at the door yet.
"do you.. do you need me to call the police?"
poor guy looked so confused. he started typing a few numbers into his phone before sals head popped out from behind the door.
"wh- jesus."

sal ran up to the door.
"dude you do not understand how happy larry will be to see you. um. i should've said that last. are you okay? jesus christ what happened?"
i stood still.
"my legs. i fractured something."
he nodded dismissively and grabbed my wrist. i whined incredibly loudly. that shit hurt. especially after i jumped out of the window. he looked at my wrists.
"oh shit. sorry."
i nodded again and got into the elevator. i miss my boyfriend.

"what did you do? are you and larry dating by the way?"
i paused. i forgot they didn't know.
"i jumped out of the window. and um.. well-"
the elevator opened. saved by the bell. it wasn't a bell but whatever. saved by the elevator.
i missed the basement.

i pushed open the basement door.
"oh! hi sal-"
larry's mom saw me. even she seemed to missed me. larry's mom was awake too. how strange.
"oh love. come in."
she looked so sad. everyone did when they saw me. is that a good or bad thing? she spoke to sal for a second before shutting the door behind her.

i sat at the table with a cup of coffee. sal had left and larry wasn't out of his room yet. he didn't know i was here. i told her everything. as sals dad did, she offered to call the police. this time, i told her not to.
"i won't let you leave again. don't worry darling."
she stroked my shoulder. i think i was wasting time doing what i really wanted to do.

i opened his door quietly. he still heard me, yet he didn't look up. he's awake too. but that's not a surprise.
"please go away mom."
he was crying in the corner of his room. he was wrapped in all of his blankets at the foot of his bed, his arms underneath all of the blankets. his tears soaked the pillow he held in his arms while he cried. i wished that was me.
"mom please."
i slowly edged towards him, taking small steps as i got closer and closer to the blankets on the floor. he didn't say anything. i was stood over him, my knees about to fall. i just need him to know it's me.

i placed my hand on the blankets. he couldn't feel the difference in our hands and he couldn't see the difference in our skin tones. he couldn't see me. i sat beside him, fiddling with my hair. i missed his pretty curls. i reached out, messing with a lock of his hair.
"mom please i just-"
he saw me. he didn't say anything.

his hair was messed up completely and the eyeshadow he often wore was smeared down his face. his face was completely wet along with the pillow in his hands, and his cheeks were red along with the tip of his nose. his voice was more quiet than usual, and he was more shaky.

"you look so pretty today."