dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - feelings

travis
i really wanted to tell larry the truth. how i felt the urge to leave as i was too scared of my own feelings and what they did to me, and where they would take me. i wanted to tell him everything. how i felt about him, what he did for me, and how he made me feel. how happy he truly made me. i could never hate larry no matter what he did. he never had the heart to make me hate him, and i can't think of a single bad thing he's done to anyone. i used to be scared of him but i know he just wanted to stick up for his friends. and he then wanted to protect me, but i had to ruin it. i always have to ruin everything.

i sat awkwardly on larry's bed, exchanging glances with him as he weakly smiled at me as i could see a few tears welling in his eyes that he tried so hard to push back. i knew it was getting harder for him but i couldn't say anything, or do anything to prove i didn't mean it. i never thought larry would ever trust me again after that. every time i looked at him he awkwardly turned away, now trying to completely hide his face.
"laramie?"
he hummed and leaned back, holding his phone in his hands.
"i um.. i hope you'll be ok."
he nodded slowly, almost showing no emotion which wasn't like him at all. i couldn't tell if he just didn't care anymore or if he felt so terrible he couldn't even show anything. and that would be my fault.
"listen this isn't your fault."
that's when the tears started to fall.
"everyone says that to me. i know it's not true because if it wasn't my fault they would have no reason to leave. whatever was wrong with them that made them feel they weren't good enough or a bad person i would prove to them they weren't. i could and would fix them to the best of my ability. even if it was physically impossible i would still do my best to help them and i everyone i've ever been with knows that i'm the most forgiving person ever. i still forgive all the people who raped me and that'll never change. i'll always believe that it was my fault and i never helped them enough. so seriously, travis, tell me the real reason. and i'll help you. i swear on my life i will help you."

i was speechless, i couldn't think of anything to say but i knew i regretted everything i said that night from his last few sentences. i couldn't say that as he probably wouldn't believe me. as i sat there stuttering and figuring out what to say he spoke again.
"listen travis.. i can't ever hate you for anything you've done in the past and i never did. i knew there was some reason behind it, and sure it wasn't a good thing to do but i don't hate you. if that's the reason you want to leave, i can assure you you're a good person and don't let yourself feel that you aren't. if you really do hate me i don't blame you for that. if you're going to leave please just talk to me about it first."
i blinked a few times, looking around the room breathlessly and not having a single word to say at all. only actions.

i placed my head gently onto his shoulder, staring at the covers of his bed and the colours of his socks. i shut my eyes and listened to his breathing, slowly letting my feelings take over me again.
"i'm sorry. i really don't know why i said that. if i tell you the truth.. i'm scared of my own feelings. i feel.. um.."
he nodded and hummed.
"i like you alot. i just feel like maybe.. i really am a bad person. i shouldn't have said anything like that and i'm sorry i made you want to cry. you're a really kind person larry. i hope you understand that. and everything you're exes did to you wasn't your fault. because you really do have a pretty heart and nobody, even if they had a terrible heart deserves the things you went through. i'm sorry i scared you like that. i shouldn't have. you really do mean a lot to me. i guess i just let the bad feelings take over the good and.. i'm sorry."
he placed his hand ontop of mine, breathing quietly as his bracelets lent against my wrist.
"what feelings do you have?"
i swallowed and bit my lip. hard.
"i wish you were a girl. i mean, i don't. but i just.. i wish it was okay to.. i wish it was okay to love someone like you."
i avoided addressing him directly as it scared me more than anything to say i loved him, and i really did.
"who says it's not okay?"
i shrugged and turned towards him.
"well.. my dad."
larry smiled weakly and pushed some strands of hair out of his face.
"your dads opinions shouldn't matter to you so much. i know he has a lot of control over you but you shouldn't be so scared of him anymore. i'm not forcing you to admit to your feelings as i assume i know what they are, but i can assure you, that if you do like men, it's okay. you aren't going to get judged for that anymore."
i nodded, holding his hand back. telling the truth is better.
"uh.. you're right. i'm a homosexual."
he smiled and turned to me once more.
"i'm proud of you."