dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - mom

larry
"larbear can i talk to you?"
my mom poked her head into my room, smiling weakly and waving at my friends. i had no idea what it was about.
"uh.. okay mama."
i handed travis the bucket of popcorn and i shuffled out of my bed. she looked fairly upset.
"mama? what's wrong?"
she brought me out of my room and closed the door quietly.
"come with me."
she took my hand and brought me to her room.
"what's going on?"
after she closed the door she stood infront of me awkwardly.
"can you sit?"
i sat down on her bed and she kneeled infront of me.
"can you show me your legs?"
i immediately knew what she meant and i shook my head silently. she placed her hand on my knee and rubbed it with her thumb.
"please laramie. i am your mother, not a stranger. let me see, i'm not mad at you."
i started to cry and wipe my face roughly with the back of my hands, which was followed with my mom gently pulling them away and rubbing her thumb gently against my cheek.
"it's okay larbaby. please let me see."

i slid my sweatpants down to my ankles, refusing to look into my moms eyes. she moved my shirt away from my thighs and she reached into her drawer. i didn't look anywhere apart from the carpet so i couldn't figure out what it was.
"when did you do this?"
she placed her hand gently onto my thigh, stroking the scars of the previous cuts on my legs.
"a few hours ago."
she was taken aback but she nodded.
"what about travis? your friend? how does he not see?"
she placed a tissue onto my leg.
"i go into the bathroom. or at school. i.."
i started to cry again, struggling to stay quiet.
"i'm really sorry mom."
as she continued to blot the excess blood from my thighs she would occasionally wipe mine and her own tears from her face.

"i won't send you there. don't worry baby."
i knew where she meant without her having to even mention anything about it as i had been sent there a few times already.
"why do you do it? i can help you. please stop."
she would always cry silently.
"it's not that easy. i wish i could stop but i can't"
pressing my palms into my face, i sniffled and bit down on my thumb.
"mom i.. i was.."
she leaned forward and rubbed my fingers with her thumb as she held it.
"i was sexually assaulted multiple times. i cant stop thinking about it and it really hurts me."
i couldn't hear anything apart from the tv in my room, it's like me and my mom stopped crying, and also breathing.

she stood up, taking my head into her arms and hugging me tightly to her chest. she didn't say a word for the rest of the night, she just held me and cuddled me quietly, letting me cry to her and sob all i wanted to. until she finally let go again, leaving me to go back to my room.

i awkwardly went back into my room, scrubbing my face with my hands to try and hide the fact i was crying. nobody said anything when i came back in, but they had changed the movie and ashley had fallen asleep on sals shoulder. i held the covers tightly to my chest, trying to hardest to push back all of the tears i wanted to let out. a few fell from my eyes and onto the lid of the popcorn bucket, making a quiet sound against the plastic. every time the screen illuminated my face travis would stare at me, and without looking at him once i knew he was. he would watch the tears slip down my face silently and each time he became more and more upset. the 5th time a tear fell down my cheek, he wiped it away softly.

"larry? are you alright?"
sal had now realised and he paused the tv, shuffling closer to me. the pressure and feeling of two peoples eyes on me made me burst into tears on the spot. nobody did anything but look at me. that was until travis took my hand and pulled me off the bed, pulling open my closet door.
"here. we can stay here. away from everyone else. is that okay?"
he turned on his phone screen, providing light to the darkness of my closet.
"do you need more pillows? water? food? anything?"
i wiped the wetness from my face, the tears soon coming back.
"can you get my blanket please?"
he opened the door and i lent down onto the floor, the blanket i usually used underneath me. he quickly opened the door again and he put the blanket ontop of me.
"do you want me to..?"
he pointed back to the bed with his thumb, looking back slightly.
"no. don't go."

he nodded quickly and closed the closet door, leaving us in pitch black. he turned his phone back on, holding it in his hand with the screen pointing outward and lying down beside me.
"is there anything i can do?"
i lent back motionless against the wall with my eyes widened and my hands shaking from the situation.
"i really want a hug."
without speaking he turned onto his side, bringing my pillow closer to him and opening up his arms. hugging him felt great. it was warm and comforting, along with being calming and quiet. he didn't let go as everyone else would. the more i hugged him the tighter his arms became around my body. he pet the back of my head with his hands and even kissed me on the forehead once. i had completely forgotten about what happened with my mom, and had almost forgotten about my life in that moment.