dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - suicide

larry
i couldn't show any kind of affection for travis anywhere near anyone else. i don't even know what affection i'd show him since we weren't actually in a relationship, but i still felt like he was ashamed of me. i tried as much as i could to be alone with travis, as it would get me some kind of attention. even then, i felt like he didn't want it. i never even held his hand. the time we had alone together was only ever when he came to my apartment, or when we were alone in the bathrooms. but it felt like he only agreed to it to save me from being upset.

i never tried to approach him privately. when he sat with us i never said a word unless he spoke first. i didn't feel like i was in love, i felt like all the feelings were one sided even if those feelings weren't very deep. it felt like i was in a relationship with a brick wall. i didn't feel happy, or loved, or anything. i just felt pushed away and pathetic. i think the confession ruined what we had and what we'll never have again.

travis
i've been struggling to even come out of my room for a few days. i already did, but some days i wouldn't even move. barely even breathe. i felt like a terrible person, and that maybe i'm not suitable to be in a relationship because i can't show any affection at all. maybe i'm just too scared of my religion. or myself. i could be with larry in secret, but even then i didn't show him anything. not even the kind of attention before we started dating. i didn't hate larry, and i didn't hate dating him, i hated myself.

i sat on my floor, scrambling through pictures and boxes under my bed. i kept a special box, full of photos of my mom and things she had given me. my favourite picture was one of just me and her. my natural brown hair, my smooth, un damaged skin, her pretty face, before everything happened. the picture didn't have my father or my sister in it, just me and my mom. i miss my hair before it was awfully bleached, and turned to look exactly like my father and nothing like my beautiful mother. my hair was the only connection i had to my mother since i look so much like my father.

i turned over the picture, trying not to cry but letting the tears fall onto it anyway. when i looked down, there were little patches seeping into the picture, which wouldn't happen since the picture is acrylic. the tears would've slid off. i flipped the picture on its side, looking inbetween the two pieces, in fact seeing a piece of paper glued to the back, face down. i gently peeled the paper off, which ended up sliding off since the glue must've been old by then. on the back, was a letter, almost clearly written.

'to my dearest travis
i'm sorry you have to read this, my sweet baby. i just have to let you know that i can't deal with my feelings anymore, and the pressure your father puts on me. i know you think i'm okay, but i'm not. i know you're still a little boy, and you won't understand this the way i do, but as you grow up you'll understand. i promise even if i'm up in heaven i'll always love you, and i'll always be watching you. always be yourself no matter what and don't let your fathers beliefs control you like they controlled me. i'll never see you again, but i want to let you know i'll always love you. you'll always be my son, and i'll always be your mommy.

daphne phelps'

my tears had almost completely blurred the ink, making it impossible to read now i sobbed over the paper. it never said in the letter what happened to my mom, but i knew she didn't die of cancer like i was always told. i would know the truth if my father hadn't hidden it from me.
i replayed the note in my head, letting the tears flow as loud as my body wanted to, when i suddenly stopped.
'don't let your fathers beliefs control you like they controlled me.'
i had realised i had made an awful mistake. the way i treated larry, the way i pushed his and my own feelings away so easily.

i emptied my school bag, instead filling it with things i would actually need like my glasses, my inhaler, my seizure gel that i don't remember the name of, yadda yadda yadda.
i stuck both feet out of my window, pushing myself out. i landed on my knees, grazing them, which hurt, but atleast my dad wouldn't see me. i started running towards addison apartments. through the forest, past the lake and then there it was. or rather they. sal, ashley, todd and larry sat outside addison apartments, smoking. i started to walk towards them, with the tears from before still in my eyes.
"larry?"

"hi travis. do you want to come inside?"
i grabbed his wrist and pulled him aside, where the others couldn't hear us.
"what the hell travis?"
he stood still, pulling his wrists away.
"listen larry.. i'm so sorry. i'll take care of you more. i swear."
before he could speak, i hugged him tightly, rubbing his head gently and intertwining my fingers with his curls. i had completely forgotten everyone else was there, even after i remembered i stayed latched onto him. after around 30 seconds he hugged back. ofcourse, when i opened my eyes i saw ashley's camera flashing in my eyes.
"again?"
"aww but look!"
she handed me the picture, grinning from ear to ear. in the picture, you could see my face pressed into larry's hair, my fingers intertwined with his locs. i had my eyes shut and my cheeks squished. it was quite cute.
larry took it out of my hands, before putting it into my pocket and kissing me lightly on the cheek. not passionately, or in a loving way, more in a greeting way. but i still loved it.