dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - coming home

travis
my dad had dragged me by the wrist all the way home, and as i struggled to breathe for multiple reasons. i cried for how much i longed to be in larrys house again. to hear his tears and to hear the high pitched and irritating voices of his friends. to be scolded by ashley back in that treehouse. anything to be away from the empty and terrifying walls of my own home. in some way, that basement was my real home. where i didn't have to shut myself up when i cried, and when i could be myself freely without fear. where i didnt feel any pain. where i was loved by my best friend. where i was loved by the person i love most.

i stood still in my doorway, almost bracing myself to have things thrown at me. wether they were his own fists or multiple sharp objects. i clenched my fists and squeezed my eyes shut as i prepared for one of the worst possible beatings of my life.

"travis."
i opened my eyes slowly, meeting eyes with my father and my sister.
"i cannot explain how furious i am with you in embarrassing me like this. i hope you know that after this day, in simple terms, i will never let you see the fucking light of day again."
i squeezed my eyes shut once more knowing what was about to come.

"you know travis, if you were going to be gay, couldn't you find someone more attractive maybe? like come on, laramie? the ugly german kid? you're enough of an embarrassment, you've just made yourself more of one by going for someone like that."
that was the first time my sister had ever said anything to me when my father was going to beat me. it made me so angry, but if i tried to do anything my father would probably kill me. quite literally kill me.

i nodded slowly and held my hands over my face as my father swung his fist towards my face, knocking me onto the floor and hitting my head against the hard wall.

he pulled me to my feet by my wrists, pulling a knife out of the drawer. i knew he wouldn't stab me. if he would kill me, he wouldn't stab me in the kitchen.
"you are such a burden to your family. your mother got lucky when she got cancer. i wish i could've died with her knowing you're my son."
i nodded, knowing my mother died because of him. i closed my eyes as he grabbed my wrist to somehow try and numb the pain. he pushed the tip of the blade into my hand, dragging it through from the palm of my hand, up my entire forearm. as i stared at the blood dripping down my wrist and onto the floor i felt overwhelmed with the feeling of how much i hated my sister.

i knew my father found out because of her. but how, how could she know where i was? that's when i remembered. ashley had briefly mentioned about knowing my sister.