dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - dont go

larry
i sat up against the backboard of my bed, watching tv as travis wrote in his notebook, flicking the page every few minutes or so. every time i looked over, he seemed to be writing a lot, very fast. i heard him turn the page about a hundred times. when he would scribble words onto the pages i noticed his expressions change often. he would frown, smile, bite his lips or go bright red. i obviously didn't want to say anything, so i watched silently over my shoulder at what he was doing. a few of his tears fell onto the page, blurring the ink and smudging it. he took of his glasses and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands.
"what's wrong?"
he shook his head and closed the book, putting his glasses back on.
"sorry, i just got something in my eye."
i folded my arms and paused the tv.
"what's the real reason travis?"
as he wiped his cheeks away and put his notebook on the nightstand his voice became higher in pitch and started to crack.
"i just miss my mom."

he often spoke about missing his mom so it wasn't that hard to comfort him.
"larry?"
i nodded, wiping another tear from his cheek.
"i don't want to see you anymore."
he squinted and frowned, pushing my hands roughly away from his face.
"what do you mean?"
i held my hands at my lap and watched him sit there beside me, breathing heavily.
"laramie i never ever want to see you ever again."
i couldn't tell if it was a joke or not so i had no clue how to react. i sat there, looking blankly at his hair and around the room.
"what?"
after i spoke he stood up, chucking everything in his bag.
"i wish i never did anything with you. i regret every little thing i did for you."
i shook my head quickly and pulled at his sweater.
"don't leave. you can hate me all you want but please don't go home."
this is so sudden and i don't know what to do.
"please."
he threw his bag onto his back and scowled down at me, as i stared up at him like a lost puppy.
"why? why don't you want me to go home?"
"because i don't want you to get hurt."

"this is all happening so quickly. why do you not like me anymore?"
i had convinced travis to stay for the time being, as i struggled to get to reasoning out of him.
"if i did anything wrong i'll fix it. you know i really like you travis. i don't want you to stop being my friend."
as he folded his arms he took a step back.
"why do you like me?"
i tried to stop the tears coming from my eyes as i pressed my cheek into the palm of my hand.
"you really understand me travis. you've never judged me for anything i've told you and some of the things i've told you i can't even tell my own mom. you make me feel safe in some way and i just.. i wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing you could be getting hurt in that house."
for a split second he looked upset. sympathetic even, before quickly scowling again.
"don't make me pity you laramie. i know you don't really care."
i pressed my arms to my face as i sat cross legged on my bed, trying my hardest not to cry, as if all my words and actions meant nothing to him.
"travis.. i care about you so much. i don't care if you think this is gay or whatever, but i care about you more than anything. i would do anything to keep you safe. especially from your dad. having you here makes me feel so much happier knowing we both feel safer."

he squeezed his eyes shut and breathed out shakily.
"i.."
i waited anxiously for his answer, as i didn't know if it would be good or bad.
"i'm sorry. i don't want this anymore."
as he headed towards the door i shouted out my only thought.
"please stay travis. just for tonight?"
he turned back, looking around for a few seconds before sighing through his nose and nodding.
"one night. i'm leaving in the morning, okay?"
i nodded quickly and turned off the tv, keeping all my attention on him.