dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - pray

travis
i tried my hardest not to be late home from school today. the thing that pissed me off was that my sister could get home whenever she wanted, without consequences, because she "wasn't like that." my father had always accused me of being gay for no reason at all. well, there was a reason. i was best friends with another guy in private school. i let it slip that he had a crush on me to my sister and she snitched on me to my dad. she mostlikely flipped the story around, but he would've beaten me anyway. he assumed i was gay after that. that's why he abused me and not my sister. he's never lain a bad hand on her. it's clear who's the favourite. "clear" would be an understatement.

i wasn't ontime. 2 minutes late. if i was late at all he assumed i was kissing a guy. or banging one. if i was late at all i was doing something i shouldn't be. he knew the way home was chaotic but could he care less? no. of course when i walked in, my sister wasn't there. shock.

"travis. you're late. who was it this time?"
the quote made me smile for some stupid reason. i shouldn't have smiled.
"what's so fucking funny?"
he slapped me on the back of my head. i wished that was it.

he dragged me by my collar onto the floor. as i trembled on the floor he did nothing but stare down r me. i was scared. even though this had happened countless times before it still scared me a lot. he closed the curtains, looking down at my shaking body again. i didn't want to look up at him but i knew he was above me.

"so who have you been fucking?"
he pulled me to my feet again, temporarily strangling me. i faced a mirror. where i could see him behind me. he swung a punch to the back of my head, and for a second everything went black and started ringing. it hurt. a lot.
"so?? who is it??"
i shook my head. he turned me around and slapped me.
"nobody! i promise!"
my promises meant nothing to him.

i heard the door open and i thought someone had seen or heard and came to save me.
"hi dad."
it was only my sister. deep down i was glad. maybe he would stop now she's here. he didn't. all he did was take me upstairs by a tuft of my hair.
"i'm not done with you yet. not until you tell me who you've been having sex with."
there was no point. if i said anything he would beat me either way. if it was a girl he would beat me for having sex before marriage and if i said it was a guy he would beat me for obvious reasons

the beating was typical. punches to the eye, nose, back, arms, nothing different.
"i'm not done with you yet."
he grabbed my wrist, pulling me into his study. fuck. i knew where it led.

i sat on the cold floor, shifting to my knees in the centre of the pentagram on the cult floor. i didn't even care if he sacrificed me. my life didn't seem living anyway.
"pray."
this was also typical.
"my god, i am sorry for-"
a hit to the head. i started over again.
"my god, i am sorry for my sins with all my heart. in choosing to do wrong and-"
he removed his belt. shit. for pausing he whipped me. again. if i stopped it would just get worse. that's not worth it.
"my god, i am sorry for my sins with all my heart. in choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, i have sinned against you whom i should love above all things. i firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. our saviour jesus christ suffered and died for us."
if i spoke fast enough it would be okay. and it would be over. and it was. or so i thought.

he lifted up the back of my shirt, whipping me on my lower back. i whined, covering my mouth. what is my life? if i can never escape from this, then why should i even be alive?