dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - i wish

larry
i lent back against the wall of the bathroom after travis had fallen asleep at the bottom of my bed. sometimes i had this empty feeling where i couldn't feel anything but a lack of everything. a lot of the time i have a feeling to relapse and become as bad as i use to be. i haven't cut myself in a few weeks, which is a long time for me. but the feeling comes back so often i feel like i'm going to slip up.

i tucked my knees into my chest, biting my lips and just letting the tears flow into my hands. every time i sit down it makes my body looks so much bigger and i hate it. my body is so improportionate and i wish i could change it. i have such small feet and such big thighs, a small torso and chubby cheeks. i look so much like a girl, and if i was a girl my body would be a good thing but i'm not.

i should talk to someone about the way i feel but it's so difficult to explain i don't know what to say. not a single person knows about the way i feel and i don't plan on changing that. not even my mom.

every time i had to bite my fingers on wrists to stay quiet as i usually did cry quite loudly, but nobody ever heard me. but being so lonely and crying so often was making me so incredibly tired that i couldn't think of another option but to hurt myself.

my past hurts me too. sometimes i can still feel their hands on me and i have to scrub myself until i bleed. some people joke about it but they don't understand how awful it feels to be touched and taken advantage of by someone you love, and that love was always one sided and fake. if i was confident enough i would tell someone, then maybe someone can understand how much it hurts.

i wish i could be a virgin again, excited to have my first kiss and my first real partner. but ever since i was touched for the first time i'm scared of letting anyone in even if they promise they won't hurt me. i still haven't had my first kiss.

i wish i could love myself too. i wish i didn't feel the need to cry every time i looked at myself in the mirror for too long. every time i turn to the side the sight of my hips and my thighs and my nose and my stomach disgust me. and i hate looking down and barely being able to see my feet because of how little my feet are. i can fit into women's size 7.5. and my face is one of the worst parts. i look so much like a woman, i have such big lips and chubby cheeks. my eyes are really dark so you can't really see a difference between my eye and my pupil, so my eyes naturally look bigger.

i stood in front of the mirror, removing my shorts and my shirt and trying to avoid the look in my own eyes in the reflection of the mirror. as i stared back at myself i looked so sad and so miserable, and i really was. sometimes all i wish for is to be pretty. and to be happy.