dear diary (larvis)

dear diary - my broken heart

larry
i felt my whole world stop after i finished my sentence. i didn't want to open my eyes or even breathe. i actually told him. i couldn't see his face or how he reacted, but him pulling the tips of his fingers away from mine broke my heart enough to know he didn't feel the same way.
"i'm sorry. i know i shouldn't have told you"
i slowly opened my eyes, peering up at him through my eyelashes. i didn't expect to see him crying too.

"laramie you aren't joking around are you?"
he blinked a few times, looking around the room.
"no travis. ofcourse i'm not. i could never lie about that."
he focused back on me and crossed his legs, blinking once more before wrapping his arms around my neck. he didn't say anything apart from hold me tight and breathe down my neck. i put my hands on his waist and pulled him closer gently. even after i held him closer he didn't let go. and he didn't make me.

"can i tell you something?"
i nodded into the collar of his shirt. although he couldn't see me, he probably felt my head move so he spoke afterwards.
"laramie. i just wanted to say i um.. i've loved you ever since you brought me to your house and fixed my necklace for me. you fixed something i thought was broken and would be broken forever. not just my necklace, but my heart too."
he leaned back, looking down into my eyes and moving my bangs out of my eyes slightly.

i awkwardly put my hands on his hips again, squeezing his upper thigh and waist gently. he didn't seem to mind as he just continued to play with my hair. i was on the verge of tears again after what he had told me, but i don't think he understands.
"travis, when you said you loved me you meant platonic right?"
he furrowed his eyebrows and stuttered before speaking.
"uh.. d-did you?"
i swallowed, not being able to figure out if that was a yes or no. should i tell the truth?
"no."

travis
so he did feel the same way. he actually does love me. but what do i say? do i really tell him i love him or not? i mean, i'm scared of relationships but i don't want to wait on larry anymore.
"larry i.. i wish it was okay to love you. maybe in another universe."
he gripped my hands tightly and pulled me closer.
"but travis it is okay. you don't have to hide in the shadows anymore, i promise nobody is here to judge you. if you want to love someone then it's okay no matter what. nobody can control love."
i blinked slowly and took his hands back. he's right. but i don't want to do something accidentally and break his heart again. he spoke again before i could.
"we don't have to do anything together. we don't have to be in a relationship or anything. please just tell me how you really feel. i need to know."

i wanted to be in a relationship. i wanted anything and everything, but how do i tell him that's how i feel?
"larry i.."
i bit my lip hard.
"i think.."
he stared at me anxiously.
"i.."
he gently pushed his hair out of his face, staring me directly in the eyes. the beauty in his eyes and face just made me blurt out the answer.
"i don't want to hide in the shadows anymore."