THE COP AND THE POP STAR

CHAPTER 38: TORTURE

Tom's view:

I thought that having this trip would be a great thing. I could make memories with Alyssa that I can keep for a lifetime. So, when I lose her, which I can't kid myself. I can hope that I will end up with her, but looking at the facts, I probably won't.

I thought it would be perfect, I've not really taken a vacation since I was a little kid when my dad took me and my mom places. 

I know why we are here, and this isn't a vacation. Alyssa's life is in danger. We are here to keep her safe.

But we are in a beautiful mansion, and I have her all to myself. I mean Booker, Doug, Harry won't just drop in. Jordan is busy and won't be here.  

But this morning, I'm thinking as wonderful as it is that I have this time with Alyssa, it's also torture for me.

Not even talking about the physical stuff. Like the constant ache I feel down there, the constant cold showers I'm having to take, doing everything I can do to hide my growing bulge from her, so that she isn't uncomfortable alone with me. Losing sleep because I can't focus on anything except the fact that she's in the next room, and what I wouldn't do to be able to hold her in my arms, watch her sleep.

Now that I'm in love for the first time, I know I'm setting myself up to be destroyed. And that fact plays over and over in my head as I lie down at night and try to sleep.

My life has changed so much with Alyssa in my life.  I still carry guilt from my past, things I wish I didn't do, things I wish I would have done, things that I said and did that I can't undo, because those people are gone.

Amy's dead because of me, well not because of me, I didn't shoot her, but not only did I not save her, for that second I froze, I'm a cop, and I froze, but if i would have just been honest with her, told her I wanted to stop seeing her, that I didn't feel the same as she did, I'd rather just be friends, then she would be here right now. She would have gotten over me, maybe hated me, but met someone else who could love her.

I wish that I would have told my dad how much I loved him. I wish I would have been a better son to him. I wish I would not have been upset with my dad for him wanting to drive me to that dance. I wish I could have been there at that diner with my dad and saved him.

Alyssa has changed my life. She is so sweet. Caring. Compassionate. She's easy to talk to, and instead of keeping everything in, she is a safe space for me to vent, to really talk, and she doesn't judge. She listens. She tries to make me feel better. She praises me.

I love her so damn much, and she deserves the best man. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her.

She and I are in different worlds. She's a star. Loved by fans all over the world. Busy with concerts, tv appearances, studio, her music.

I'm a cop. I'm a normal everyday man. On top of that I have never been in a real relationship, I mean one where I'm in love.

Each time I look at her I fall harder, deeper in love with her.  I can't stop the thoughts in my head at night. What is going to happen after this case?

As much as I want this time with Alyssa, this case needs to be over. This guy needs caught, locked up, and throw away the key. He needs his ass kicked first. 

The only thing that really matters is Alyssa is safe, and she can go back to living her life, and not be in fear.

I do believe she cares about me. I believe that she wants to be friends, and I believe she will do everything she can to keep her promise of staying in my life. I know she wants me to see Jake.

But the thoughts that run through my head go like this, what happens if Alyssa doesn't feel the same, if I tell her how I feel, ask her out, and then she gets uncomfortable because she doesn't want to hurt me. What if she then suddenly is too busy to see me, takes Jake to Judy's for Judy to bring him to me. That is a real possibility.