THE COP AND THE POP STAR

CHAPTER 49: DISTANCE

                                                                                  ALYSSA'S VIEW

I am exhausted. I didn't get much sleep last night, and so I didn't lie about wanting to just take a nap. 

But the main reason why I didn't go outside with Tom, is I need to just have some space from him.

I'm relieved that he told me the truth. Because I was thinking maybe he thinks I'm so hideous that he had to be drunk to kiss me.

I feel better after our talk. He reassured me about our fake breakup.

As bad as I want this case to be over, this guy caught, hopefully they don't hurt him, just arrest him, and maybe send him to a mental institution.

I do feel bad for him, that he's lost his mom, and watched fellow soldiers die, and maybe he has PTSD and attached himself to me.  I hope he can get some help.

But when this case is over then we are going to have to do the breakup post. And I just don't know how we can do it and avoid what the media will say.

I'm not going to worry about that right now.

Tom did offer to be my date for all upcoming events even after the case. But I don't think he has a clue what he just volunteered for.  He will find out when we go to the Grammies, and then he will probably change his mind.

I do wish I could talk to Judy about this, since she is one of his best friends and knows him so well. But I can't tell her. I promised I would not tell anyone, and I can't risk Adam finding out, and Tom getting in trouble for last night.

I wanted last night to happen, I wanted more to happen, but I guess they wouldn't care about that. 

Tom admitted he did want to kiss me, but he also said he was emotional because of the memories of his dad.

It makes sense, he was not expecting to hear songs his dad loved, or the memories that came flooding back. It upset him, and when you are emotional you do things you might not otherwise. You do things without thinking.

Did he want to kiss me just because he was emotional, or was he trying to tell me he has feelings about me. He didn't say that, and I don't want to get my hopes up again and then have them dashed. 

I know how important is job is to him, and he's worried about losing it. I'm a distraction, is that what he's saying?

He said that officers can't get involved with people in their cases, but what happens when the case is over. I wish he would have made his feelings for me more clear. I wish he would have said after this case is over, would you be interested. He's had several girls, and I'm sure he made the first move on some of them. 

I guess I have to accept that what happened last night won't happen again, and it's doubtful he wants to be more than friends after the case is over. I think that is what he was trying to say without hurting my feelings.

I get that most all girls would just have this be a hookup and then just forget about it. But I love him, and to me it was more than that.

It's hard for me to forget about last night. The way he kissed me he made me feel things I've never felt. He made my body react in a way that Rob never did.

When I look at him now, I keep seeing it in my head.  It's hard to look at him, and not see it or think about it.

The images of him kissing me so desperately, and the power in his kisses, him picking me up, his hands holding me up, laying me down on the pool table while kissing me, getting on top of me.