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I place my hand on the hard stone of the well

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I place my hand on the hard stone of the well. I push myself up with weak, shaky arms. The light from the sky assaults my vision too quickly, causing my grip to waver. Somebody clutches me from under my shoulders before I fall.

"Alice!"

I open my eyes at the sound of Andy's worried voice. He pulls me out of the well and into his arms like he always does. Like he's been waiting for this moment and can finally breathe again. For a second, I expect that familiar feeling to take over. The way everything goes quiet when I'm against him. Like nothing could touch me here. But it doesn't come.

"God, I thought I lost you forever."

I wait for just a beat too long for the relief. For my instinct to sink into him, to let go of everything I've been carrying and pretend, just for a little while, that I don't have to hold it all on my own. I rest my hands on his back, but that's it. I don't clutch. I don't dig in. My hands are steady.

That's when it hits me like a punch to the gut. The quiet I used to find in him is already within me. It always has been, buried deep like a time capsule. I'm still here. Solid. Steady in a way I don't think I've been before. I'm not reaching for him to tether me to myself.

Andy keeps hugging me, as though he himself senses the change. I finally clutch my hands into his coat that smells of meadow flowers. Not because I need to, but because I finally understand. A horrible understanding that's haunted me since the moment we reunited. Like a ghost pacing on the creaky wooden floors above me. The attic I've been too scared to enter. But there is no ghost. It was just me, waiting.

Love isn't supposed to feel like a relief from yourself. It isn't supposed to feel like escape. What we had was real. It mattered. He still matters. My best friend. Someone safe and easy to hold onto when I thought I was going to disappear. When my life was slipping through my fingers. But I'm not slipping anymore. And that changes everything. Warm tears slip down my cheeks. I'll remember their warm and wet caress every time I recall what love is supposed to feel like. And to never let it deceive me again.

Something sharp settles in my chest. He doesn't know. He's holding me the same way, like nothing's changed. Like I'm still the same woman he's been fighting his way back to.

The thought makes my stomach twist. Because he still looks at me like I'm something to come home to. And I?

I'm going to break his heart.

I pull back just enough to look at him. He doesn't let me go. His hands stay on me, firm, grounding. Like I might disappear if he loosens his grip. His brown eyes flick across my face, searching for something familiar. Something he won't find.

"There she is," He says, a small, crooked smile pulling at his mouth.

It doesn't quite reach his eyes. They stay fixed on me, sharp and assessing, like he's solving a puzzle.

Down the Rabbit Hole ⚝ Killian JonesStories to obsess over. Discover now