blaze of desire // billie eilish fanfiction

three: nostalgia? part 2

delilah

"i'll sit in the backseat with them." luna told me.

"yeah okay." i slightly frowned at the beginning but stopped myself, she's trying.

we put all the babies in their cars seats, got in the car ourselves and i started driving to the farmers market. these two love the outdoors and they're good in their strollers so i don't mind taking them anywhere with me. they are never an inconvenience to me, how could they be?

i got some fruits and veggies, a cute coffee mug that i believe is well deserved and a little strawberry print apron. luna was too busy making the girls laugh the whole time, i have to admit, it was nice. the girls' laughes were too addicting and i couldn't help but catch myself smiling if not giggling with them.

the wether outside has been getting colder meaning i didn't have to immediately head home to refrigerate the things i bought and so we drove to the park. eloise did end up calling me to ask why i wasn't home yet and i may have lied to her, or to say it better, kept the truth from her. i don't know why but i guess i felt the need to explain it to her face to face at home.

"this is nice, i missed this."

sure you did, is what i replied in my head, "we rarely even had this." and i ended up saying something sort of equivalent to it.

"i know, which is why i miss the moments that were like this. i regret a lot of stuff lila and im going to use everything in me to make it right." she told me.

"im glad you have that mindset." i smiled. although i was thinking those are just words and yes actions have been made but it has only been this one day. and stop calling my lila.

"before you know it junie will be sleeping soundly at mines and ill make you both proud." she continued.

"yeah." i nodded and the truth is she shouldn't have to make me proud because it's her job as a parent. it's expected of her to know her child and know their needs, i feel like a dick for not entirely believing her but i've been on this road one two many times. i don't want to fall for it again and hurt myself again for the millionth time.

the thing is... we got divorced a couple weeks ago. leading up to it we were already broken up and ever since then, she has not apologized for shit. is an apology really too much to ask for? and that apology will never count if i actually asked for it.

the thing is... she picked her shit up way too fast after i left and now... how the hell is that supposed to make me feel? it's a good thing for our child, yes. but what about me? i have been spiraling everyday in every hour, how am i supposed to live with the fact that i broke our family up... we could be like this all the time.

i can't get myself to have one point of view about everything when it comes to this. i know it's for the better, but fucking what if? and then why the hell am i torturing myself thinking about the fucking what ifs.

"name a princess." she said. a game we used to play randomly together, just naming shit for no reason except because the other felt like their partner needed to think about something else when they saw they were in their thoughts.

"no don't do this to me." i shook my head but i couldn't help but smile a little.

"what? come on." she replied.

"princess jasmine." i rolled my eyes.

"a country that starts with the letter f."

"france."

"a flower."

"orchids."

"an animated character."

"snoopy!"