blaze of desire // billie eilish fanfiction

thirty-two : whatever you need

delilah

i gasped, waking up from an awful nightmare. immediately turned to check on mom and she was sleeping soundly, my sheets were wet with my cold sweat. i was so hot i felt dizzy.

i slipped on my slippers and walked into the bathroom. i looked myself in the mirror i saw the mascara that i forgot to take off smeared all over my face... i looked like me... that day.

i rubbed my skin, i started to be more aware of my bones and the way that my skin rolled of them. how uncomfortable and weird it felt. my chest rose up and down, which only made it worse.

i stepped into the shower and let the steaming hot water boil my skin and i scrubbed to numb away that awful feeling. i scrubbed and scrubbed until my whole body ached. i preferred that feeling over being aware of every cell and particle in me.

i can't stand just simply existing in this body. it feels betrayed and i can't blame it for punishing me like this.

i wrapped my bruised skin in my towel and opened the door to head back to my room. mom was just about to reach the door knob. i widened my eyes, unable to hide my arms and legs. "is this a rash?" she immediately started inspecting the damages. "ember."

"it's cold, i need to put on some clothes." i softly spoke.

"why did you do this?"

"i wish i knew." i walked away. it was six in the morning, i wouldn't have been able to sleep and so i got ready for the day before having my secret breakfast.

i thought mom had went back to sleep. i was wrong, she was spying on me and of course caught me. i didn't even care. "are you trying to kill yourself?" her voice was filled with rage.

"maybe." i took another drag.

"delilah kate lewis." she said my full name. "you are destroying yourself. you can not be doing this, you have a daughter. you have responsibilities, people who depend on you. you can not crumble on me. i am your mother and i will not allow you to break my heart like this."

"i don't realize that im doing self destructive shit until i find myself doing them. i don't need you here to fix me mom, you've already had to deal with teenage me. you don't need to be here for angry at the world adult me." i told her.

"look at me when you talk to me." she demanded. "you are killing yourself with this smoking habit. does eloise know about this? you are abusing yourself, this counts as self harming. i mean you just cooked your skin, it looks like bloody raw meat. you just healed, why would you do that? think about your daughter and what she would think about this? imagine she's doing what you are doing right now." she raised her voice.

"mom, i came out here to enjoy a cigarette and i did not plan on being interrogated by you." i told her.

"do you hear yourself, your tone? ignoring what i am telling you? you're actively sabotaging yourself by doing this shit!" she yelled at me.

"well i don't know what you want me to do." i shrugged.

"well to start off don't smoke in my backyard." eloise walked slowly towards us.

"is this an intervention of some kind?" my eyes started getting teary, because i can't handle disappointing elle. i've done it way too many times to my mom, but elle...

i threw the cig on the floor, stepped on it and then picked it back up. i walked to my room, grabbed my bag, and put on my shoes. "where do you think you're going?" eloise asked me.

"well, apparently that was your backyard so i'm going to find a better place. since of course this is your house and technically this is your room right?" i sniffled.